“Find a place of joy inside and let this joy bring out the pain.”

Last year, I came across this quote that has and continues to shed light every day.   Influenced by this daily practice, I’ve enjoyed much growth.  Since Bill’s death, everything was about proving to myself that I can do this.  I now face old and new challenges with gained confidence, and when in need, I give myself permission to reach out.  Reflecting opened many emotional doors which helped me express my feelings. 

My grief surpasses missing Bill.  I also grieve our shared future, full of dreams and plans which seemed so possible … they have slipped away.

Gone are my angry emotions like every time someone would say … get over it, move on, stop living in the past, and my angrily thinking …. “Would you tell a blind person to just look harder?” Now my heart just keeps quiet and calm.  I remind myself that Bill was the greatest gift in my life and it’s ok to continue cherishing every memory - today, tomorrow and always.

My place of joy inside, is with my memories of life with Bill. I’m letting the pain of losing tomorrows plans together go and opening the window to my future.

P.S.  I do acknowledge that I miss you Bill more that anyone knows.  15 years have gone by and I have learned to laugh, talk and play my part, but behind my smile, you will always live in my heart.