Musing again ....

"May I never miss a sunset or a rainbow because I am looking down." ~ Sara June Parker

Who cries looking up?  Most times, our face is in our hands, we lower our gaze because we don't want others to see the pain in our eyes or we simply hide away in our room (or our garage) so not to interrupt others with our cries!  I will grieve you in the light Bill.

From the very beginning, I have asked myself the question, "If the roles had been reversed, how would Bill be dealing?"  My early journal entries ask the more "practical" questions of "Would he have cleared the closet so quickly?  Would he have been busy clearing out all of the clutter?  Would he have been driven mad with being busy that he would have had any manic moments like mine?"  Now my questions are more on the relationship end of things.  "How would Bill be dealing with the friends and family?  Would he have shut himself off from these precious support systems to grieve by himself?  Would he have given himself permission to have open and frank conversations with our sons?"  And I assume that at some time in the future I will be asking "How would Bill be moving on with his life?"

I do know that above all Bill was a very practical person.  So I can only assume that he would have seen to the countless sets of paperwork  - although this had become my domain, he would have seen to the required renovations to the house in order to sell post haste and that the clutter would have been the most difficult part of this process.  As far as relationships, Bill was a very social person but very private and had a difficult time asking for help.  (I certainly can't see him blogging his grief for the world to see! lol) So I can imagine him closed off in our bedroom surfing the net for trivia to occupy his thoughts and although he loved his sons more than life itself, he had a difficult time sharing conversations from the heart.  I say this but I am reminded of a conversation he had with our middle son who was living a difficult time in his life.  He (our son) made a statement and Bill was quick to share that his father had passed away some 25 years ago and that not a day passed without missing him (his father).  Wow!  The man knew how to share when it was relevant and in this case, critical.  He was big that way - the whole unconditional love had brought him out of his comfort zone. 

There are contradictions in my assumptions and while I ask these questions, I always come to the same conclusion.  I know I loved Bill enough to know that I would not have wanted him to be the one to deal with this.