Wednesday, June 6, 2012

To my boys ....

I am sorry ...

For having a tear permanently poised to fall,
For not being there to be your all.

I am sorry ...

For not always anticipating your needs,
For always seemingly being on my knees.

I am sorry ...

For not being the person you have grown to love,
For I am struggling knowing who that is, no longer your morning dove.

You are my sons ... my life ... and now my all.
I am sorry that I cannot at this time be your life and your all.

For now I need to be who I am, so that tomorrow I can be who you need me to be.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Silence ...

It has been a very long time since I have last posted.  Between work and recent events, my written gab has been silent.  I have filled many pages in my journal of grief with the events of the second year and more recently with the grief of my mother's death. 

On the day before Mom's death, I found myself driving to work knowing that before the end of the day I would find myself back on the road to my hometown to say my final goodbye.  Tears finally came and I let them flow.  Truth be told, I was a little taken aback by the raw grief and began to wonder why it was taking me over this much.  As I parked the car, I laid my head on the steering wheel and sobbed.  While recomposing myself, I started thinking of all the wonderful people who would be waiting for her.  Then it came to me.  In the last four years, I have lost four significant people; 2009 - my childhood friend of 40 years, 2010 - my best friend Bill, 2011 - my mother-in-law and now in 2012 - Mom.  I looked up to Heaven and told God that it was time He played in someone else's sandbox!

I find myself in need to be quiet, reflecting on who I am today because these people are a part of my life, reflecting on getting to know this new person. 

I do have a few more crazy lady stories to share and will wait for the right moment to pen them and share.  For now, it seems that my heart is not what is lonely, but that the physical loneliness is taking up more of my time than I would like it to.

Spring has sprung, gardens are being tended and in whatever little spare time I have left, I choose to fill it with silence. That be of course aside from the lovely game of Ball Hockey ... and the wonderful group of ladies I play with and the great group from coed (including my wonderful son the goalie) ... hmmm ... another crazy lady story to come.