Entry: February 3, 2011 - Through these "firsts" I've kept my head up and moved forward even though some days all I wanted to do was stay in bed and wish the world away. Some days my head and my heart feel much too heavy to lift and continue on but I somehow find a way to walk through it. I know that the "somehow" is Bill's love. I really feel it's days like these that he pours down a little extra love for me to quench my thirst and sustains me. It is with this little extra love that I step forward in trust that I will one day be okay.
Out of my exhaustion comes my gem for the day. How much energy have I spent trying to find my new world, my new normal when it is my belief that I am the sum of my experiences. I draw from those experiences as I live my life. Here is today's gem, why do I need to live my life without? For 26 years, Bill has offered me love, guidance and support. For 26 years I trusted that he would be there to share, help navigate and shape our life together. I also believe that he watches over me from Heaven and supports me when I no longer feel like I can do it by myself ... have I really been by myself? Monday was June 27th ... 27 years of knowing each other but have I really been 11 months without? During those months I have often made decisions for myself and my family thinking what would Bill add to this? For 11 months I have chosen to grieve in the sunlight where he was happiest; was I not choosing to have him still part of our life in doing so?
Entry: February 4, 2011 - I had now found a safe place; that safe place was inside me where I had given myself permission to befriend my grief.
My best friend on Earth, the one who loved me, made me feel safe, helped navigate me through difficult times and decision, the one I trusted most and showed me how strong I am ... Bill. Our friendship did not die on July 27th, it simply changed. Indeed, I have befriended by grief ... I continue to be sustained by our friendship, by his wisdom, by his love.
I was reminded of a conversation some time ago, where this well-intended person said, "Leave yourself open to finding another". I remember responding, "Well, whoever it might be, will need to be willing to have Bill part of this relationship.
Good morning Bill.