There is a twist on "Bill would not want you to be unhappy."
How many times did I hear this? Family, friends and even strangers whispered this in my ear as they hugged me. Today, they no longer whisper it, they state it for the whole world to hear.
In the early days and months, I was somewhat insulted by these words. How can they know what Bill would or would not want for me. Heck even I did not know. To be happy when Bill is no longer with us in the "living" world. To be happy, does that not show the world that our love no longer lives in my being? I remember thinking this.
There was one individual, who did say it with a different twist. He said to me, "When you are ready, when your heart can accept, you will know that Bill would not want you to be unhappy forever." I remember looking into this person's eyes and thinking that is different, but I don't think my heart will ever be ready.
A year later, I can find the wisdom in these words. Walking freely and openly with my grief, my heart is letting go of my preconceived notions dwelling in my mind and in my heart; I am alive, leaving myself open to moments of pure and unplanned happiness.
My sister's comment yesterday struck a chord. She had called her husband at the end of her work day to ask if he wanted a coffee. I was with him when he received the call and had cracked a joke and followed it with laughter. When she got home, she commented on how good it felt to hear me laugh. I did ... didn't I! Did this mean I love Bill less? Did this mean she thought I missed him less? No. It was simply laughter, a good moment in time, life.
Laughter, to be happy is a testament to our love.