Saturday, August 17, 2013

Two choices ...

I often wonder why after so many life altering events over the last 10 years that I am still sane.  Yes, there is some humour in qualifying me as "sane" for there are times this is questionable.  However, last night's events did clarify why I feel that I am of sound mind despite everything life throws at me ... it is because I "roll with the punch". 

Another typical Friday evening - stop at the grocery store for a loaf of bread; a full hour later I am leaving the store.  Holding my basket, I remembered that I did not have any coarse salt for my Lime-A-Rita glass.  I walk down the aisle and say hello to a familiar face.  No sooner had I passed him, I remembered that cherries are required.  Turning back, a quick exchange of words turned into a one hour discussion.  Topic - widowhood; I much younger in age yet older in grief, listened.  His facial expressions and body language spoke of the slow release of loneliness and increasing trust that his audience would not shut him down with this uneasy subject.  Leaving the store, I noted the sun reminding me that time is running out for my evening plans to tackle the back yard.  Oh well, there is a time and a place for everything.  Obviously, I was where I needed to be!  Two choices, one upset because plans have been foiled or two deal with what time I have left.

As expected, the house was quiet.  Friday evening, the boys are out.  Quick supper and out I go armed with my trusted weed whacker, gloves and the Canadian Tenors!  Feeling great because the sun although low still illuminating the back yard.  Roll out the numerous extension cords required, I flip the switch.  Motor roars but no results.  No line left.  Two choices, one upset because my tool is not whacking or two deal with what other work needs tending.  Back to the garage to pick up my cutters and start hacking at the bush in need of serious trimming.   Now hacking to the rhythm of the serious ballad coming from my loyal Tenors.  Picking up the remains of the discarded branches, I notice that the weeds are encroaching on the flowerbed.  A quiet moment between songs, I heard the new sound of the many mosquitoes attacking my neck, arms and ears.  Guess it is time to either - head into the house or to arm myself against this constant attack.  Back to the garage for a shovel and a mosquito jacket to make the best of what sunlight is left.  Walking back to the garden, the setting sun rewarded my senses with the most spectacular scene.  Life's precious moments warmed my heart.

I was rewarded this morning while taking a walk around the gardens.  Two choices again.  One to appreciate the work that has been done or two be discouraged because the back yard is still plagued with weeds.  Easy choice.

With every new event, I have chosen to seek the silver lining to every dark cloud and to "roll with the punch".

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Father's Day

As long as we live, you will live.
As long as we live, you will be remembered.
As long as we live, you will be loved.
Happy Father's Day!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Another joined the club ...

Yesterday my brother joined the club no one wants to join - widowhood.  As I watched the hours wash  away, all I could offer was the silence of my presence.  I sat and counted her breaths with him, offered him the cool cloth as I wiped her brow, all the while willing my dear brother to only breathe.

It was sad watching him moving forward with this journey and hoping that he could feel supported by one who knows.  As we who know say, we would not wish this pain on our worst enemy - try it on for size when it is with your own loveable brother.

I will not offer to him ...

·         she is no longer suffering
·         I am so sorry for your loss
·         time will heal
·         she is in a better place
·         she is no longer suffering
·         ....

 Knowing silence is all he needs.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Facing tomorrow ...

Hoohaa ... how many places can one hide the paperwork she doesn't want to face?  Let me count the spaces!  In a 1600 sq.ft. home ... there are too many to count!

Here I was patting myself on the back Saturday evening thinking I was all that because I had faced 2.5 years of filing and survived!  I sit down tonight to face yet another one of those ostridge avoidances to realize that I was missing an important document.  No problem I think, I will check my new handy dandy accordion filing system!  What?  Not there?  Oh, yes ... I remember.  Go to my favourite "other" spot only to find another fistful of envelopes!  *groan* .... slit, slit, slit .... file, file, file ... ding and done.  Still I can't find the required document.  Pondering where can I have put that?  *light bulb moment* .... oh ya!  Off I go to be met with another fistful of envelopes!  REALLY?  slit, slit, slit ... file, file, file ... ding and done.  Still no document.  I am now faced to approach the dreaded box.  Yes folks, THE dreaded box!  The one I dumped all of Bill's chicken scratched stuff in!  My feet felt like lead and my heart sank for I knew that although I am in forward motion, THIS box is still not for me - yet.

I sat for a great deal of time in front of the box labeled - BILL when I am ready!  I even snuck a sip of wine while I fingered the box.  I finally lifted the lid to be met with all of his little notes of nothingness, cards he chose and wrote "I love you" in.  Another gulp of wine and I dove in.  Reaching to the bottom to find a file folder ... EURIKA!  I grabbed and brought it to the surface to find the required document.  I rushed to put the lid back on the box, but not quickly enough for I noticed his last note to me ... "Welcome to hockey my love!"  As I am about to embark on a new season of ball hockey, I guess it is appropriate and a sure message that he is still with me.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

The sun is coming up ...

Two years and nine months later, I find myself at a loss for words and reminding myself to breathe when an old work acquaintance asked today, "How's hubby?"  *Breathe* My mind went into overdrive trying to find the right words and the first thing that came out was, "Hubby's Dead."  *Gasp*  Did that really come out of my mouth?

This wonderful man wore a look of shock and I watched as his mind kicked into overdrive equally trying to find an appropriate response.  I am certain that his thoughts were scrambling to define "dead" for it certainly must have been difficult to associate "separation" and "divorce" with Bill and I so that only left ...

I quickly eased his unease with the offering of the details I have so often rhymed off.  With genuine concern in his voice in his eyes, he offers, "I'm so sorry."  Nice.  Wanting to respond to his sincere condolences, I quickly responded, "Me too!"  *Groan*  What's wrong with me?  Well honesty is the best policy - I AM sorry.

Replaying the conversation in my head, I think that it was not half bad.  Acknowledging the fact that I could be light hearted about the subject, I see growth.  By doing so, it quickly put the rest of our conversation on a brighter path.  We spoke about children and the many other common interests in life then promised to keep in touch.

Silver lining ....

Monday, April 1, 2013

Time Limits on Grief

This wonderful photo/quote originally came from the site, "All That Love Can Do."
Apparently, their logo was cropped off of this picture.
Thus, I want to give credit where credit is due.