I have lived my whole life believing when things got tough, "this too shall pass." And this did seem to eventually pass and I always assumed that I returned to my old self again.
For the past 2 years, my mantra continued to console me, "this too shall pass." More recently, I am beginning to appreciate that this will not pass for it has become a part of me. The significant annual losses and events begining in 2009 through to this year, have changed and moulded me. I no longer see nor react to life the same way; there was never really getting back to my old self again.
I have written about the second year in previous posts and how much more difficult it was compared to the first. The first year was about survival; "How am I ever going to do this without Bill?" The second year anniversary came with the realization that I can survive and it is truly Bill, the person I miss. Both years, I charged through with my trusted mantra ... this too shall pass - or did I?
This past Friday, I reconnected with an acquaintance I had not seen for a very long time. We shared our stories, her eyes growing bigger with astonishment with the recounting of every event. When I finished summarizing she asked, "What is holding you up girl?" I could not answer. When I got home, I began trying to explain it to myself. I came to fully understand and appreciate that this won't pass nor should it because these life experiences are offering me wisdom, compassion and strength; something to share.
I am reminded of another of my guiding convictions about life, "this time is the only time" - we can't know what tomorrow will bring. Because of it, I have no regrets regarding my relationship with Bill. Time to reconnect with this way of life; slow down, breathe gently and adopt a new mantra when my grief and loneliness demands my full attention ... "this too shall change."