Sunday, October 21, 2012

This too shall pass ...

I have lived my whole life believing when things got tough, "this too shall pass."  And this did seem to eventually pass and I always assumed that I returned to my old self again.

For the past 2 years, my mantra continued to console me, "this too shall pass."    More recently, I am beginning to appreciate that this will not pass for it has become a part of me.  The significant annual losses and events begining in 2009 through to this year, have changed and moulded me.  I no longer see nor react to life the same way; there was never really getting back to my old self again.

I have written about the second year in previous posts and how much more difficult it was compared to the first.  The first year was about survival; "How am I ever going to do this without Bill?"  The second year anniversary came with the realization that I can survive and it is truly Bill, the person I miss.  Both years, I charged through with my trusted mantra ... this too shall pass - or did I?

This past Friday, I reconnected with an acquaintance I had not seen for a very long time.  We shared our stories, her eyes growing bigger with astonishment with the recounting of every event.  When I finished summarizing she asked, "What is holding you up girl?"  I could not answer.  When I got home, I began trying to explain it to myself.  I came to fully understand and appreciate that this won't pass nor should it because these life experiences are offering me wisdom, compassion and strength; something to share.
I am reminded of another of my guiding convictions about life, "this time is the only time" - we can't know what tomorrow will bring.  Because of it, I have no regrets regarding my relationship with Bill.  Time to reconnect with this way of life; slow down, breathe gently and adopt a new mantra when my grief and loneliness demands my full attention  ... "this too shall change."