A piece of loving and respectful advice was recently offered.
“Live in the moment and don’t linger in the past.”
Where have I heard this before? Different words, same meaning.
Although my head agrees, my heart remains committed at this time of year - to remember.
I have been a widow long enough to discern that indeed, I do take pleasure in today, but at special times such as this, the past creeps in without fanfare and takes over. This is an annual guest. I’ve long come to appreciate that it consumes more energy to avoid it, than to live and laugh/cry with it.
Therefore, my heart has long chosen to remember in great detail. I remember everything, or at least the things that matter.
I choose to remember …
- the laughter in his eyes when he saw me clumsily struggling with what he assumed to be easy.
- his irritation when he knew I was taking on too much, knowing he would be there to help when I ran out of steam.
- the smell of his sun kissed skin.
- that lopsided grin when I walked into the room.
- the run of his finger along his moustache; knowing I was in for a treat no matter my aging body.
- his weary look when he knew he had to do something when one of our children was struggling, and he, recognizing he was treading in unfamiliar waters.
- the feel of his arms around me when we went through tragic events, and how this made me feel safe; that together, life could throw anything our way.
- being unconditionally loved not only with but also because of my faults.
- his laugh, his impatience, his joy.
- … so much more.
Today’s pleasures, beauty and success is because of this wonderful lived love and his confidence in me. I do open my scrapbook of memories throughout the year, to absorb the comfort I find and to fill the emptiness. A collection of 26 years’ worth of love.
This past week however, has come to reiterate a realization I made long ago.
As in the beginning of my widowhood, I need to continue to appreciate - these are MY memories; I need to keep them stored in “our” safe space.
Who wants to sit through a stranger’s home movie?
In the beginning of my journey, I got pretty good at it - keeping them to myself and rejoicing when another would share their memories of him or even saying his name - Bill. However, with the passing of time, I have become a little too self absorbed - sharing these memories with others. I’m back at recognizing that sharing them, does make others - uncomfortable.
So, even if for only this time of year, it’s you and me Bill.
Therefore, at this anniversary time, I choose to absorb my memories, live with them in my dreams then place them back in “our” safe space. My friends hear me call this my self pity party. This is easier and it is more comfortable for all.
The rest, I continue to believe - living takes great courage.
But remembering offers me a compass moving forward and it strengthens me when I am weary.
