April winds ...

What a perfect way to describe my grief!

The sun was warm but the wind was chill.

You know how it is with an April day

When the sun is out and the wind is still,

You're one month on in the middle of May.

But if you so much as dare to speak,

A cloud comes over the sunlit arch,

A wind comes off a frozen peak,

And you're two months back in the middle of March.

~ Robert Frost

In one moment I'm feeling good and getting things done - even if it is finally looking in the mirror and plucking away at my chin hairs - and then some little thing brings me back to a moment of "fresh" grief. 

Leaving the house for work yesterday, I happen to notice that my tulips are coming up.  I became excited as I always do and my first thought was, "Call Bill when you get ................". 

I picked up my thoughts gently, treaded lightly to the car and reassured myself that I was going to be okay. Breathe!  How I miss not sharing these beautiful Spring moments with Bill.

I must say that these sudden flashes back to intense grief are growing further apart and I was quite proud of myself on how I could change from wanting to drop down and cry to refocusing on the simple beauty of a budding tulip.  I simply need to appreciate it for two.  I hope that I will never want to be free of my wanting to share these moments with Bill for it somehow keeps me connected to him. 

I will learn to recondition my first reaction to ... "Look Bill - our tulips are sprouting!" - with a grin of course!