Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. ~ William James
I struggle with this these days - it is along the lines of "fake it until you make it". This takes double the energy; energy that is running low. It is as a dear widower recently shared with me, "it’s been a good day, but also hard having to wear the happy mask while there are still moments when inside I am so sad and weepy". Indeed, I share this feeling. I find that lately I am required to wear this "mask" or "fake it" to exist in a world with those who have yet to experience a life without. I am thankful for my wonderful family and circle of friends who often offer me refuge. I am equally thankful to have found a new circle of people who are in the know; my new Family of Widows and Widowers.
In the early days of this journey, I was so overwhelmed by the loss of Bill that I was powerless to do anything more than to respond to my sorrow and distress. I didn't even try making sense of anything more than responding to my emotions. It was all that I could do.
Things are changing. I am discovering that there is a whole other world outside these emotions. A world that has moved on, a world where there is no room for my sadness and weepiness. A world where I need to find out just where I now fit in then take my place.
There are moments I long for the early days where it was easier to drift, and people were so sympathetic to my situation when I was always sad. It was comforting and less demanding to immerse myself in their sympathy. But life moves on and I am standing still and I don't want to be here forever. It sucks!
I recognize that I have the choice to either go with my emotions unchecked and be upset by a world that no longer factors in my sadness, or I can take the risk of assuming my place in this new existence where my widowhood does not define me, armed of course with the knowledge that I have wonderful supports that offer me refuge when I need them.
A choice to find balance between ~ acknowledging my sadness, and walking with my grief ~ and having to live in a life worth living in honour of my wonderful Bill, and to be all that I can be for myself and my sons. This is a hard discovery!
Cowardly Lion: All right, I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I'll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do.
Tin Woodsman, Scarecrow: What's that?
Cowardly Lion: Talk me out of it!
Widow Ginette: Just kidding!
Ginette, OMG, in my blog today I wrote about essentially the same thing you did. I have a friend here in Ann Arbor, who is also a widow, and she calls it an "Academy Award" show, where we're all smiley and happy, and then. . .off the Red Carpet we go. Loved your cowardly lion dialogue--just kidding???
ReplyDeleteJohn:
ReplyDeleteWhat can I say ... we are now, of the same family. We are all wanting to hold on to the ones we love but don't know how in this new life without our dearest loved ones. We know we must, but simply don't know how to face all of the expectations that we "move" on and we are unsure if we really want to. Quite the conundrum! I look forward to reading your blog - it has not yet posted.