Widows Love Post-Its

Almost nine months into the journey.  Is this not the same amount of time for something else?  It is like I have been holding my breath for a long time and I am ready to push! 

These last nine months have had me go through so many emotions, proverbial "first year" events and opportunities to grow.  I often commented on the fact that Widowhood does not come with an instruction manual, however, I did find a Grieving for Dummies! 

All in all, no one can prepare for this new normal and you are totally unprepared to becoming so ... what is the word .... clueless!  I always prided myself on my ability to multi-task, my attention to detail and most of all, on how I could remember things!  Now everything seems like an afterthought - aye,  I forgot to pick up milk on the way home, or oh man, I forgot to mail that or worst yet, "where's the toilet paper"!  These are all things I had thought of doing - five minutes ago.

I am happy to share that it is getting better.  My attention span is growing longer and I am now able to retain information - for 10 minutes!  Thank goodness I can still write.  Lists have become very important; trick is remembering where I put them.

In the spirit of sharing, here is my very own Widowhood 101.

Month 1 - Don't even try.  I have to remember something?  Something's bugging me and I think I have to do something; oh yes BREATHE.  Learn how to breathe.

Month 2 - Find a nice compact notepad.  Not so small that you can't find it, but small enough to carry around in a pocket.  Then put a post-it on the fridge door reminding you that you have a notepad.  Heck, put a post-it on the front door reminding you to bring the notepad with you when you leave the house.  Don't forget a pen.  Don't forget to breathe.

Month 3 - Remember to bring out the paperwork and set aside plenty of time to read, re-read and re-read again.  It will be a different version of what you read every time.  With each new sitting, you will begin to focus in on what the words are saying (or worst asking you to do).  Heck, take your ample supply of post-its and make notes in the margin on what you think everything means with each sitting.  At some point, it will all come together.  Oh and don't forget to include on your notepad to pick up more post it notes and that it is time to increase your frequency in bathing.  That smell has to be coming from somewhere!  Now that breathing is easier, try blinking!

Month 4 - There is a world out there?  When did that happen?  Now that you have increased your frequency in bathing and actually have started to remember, on your own, that you need to bring in the toilet paper with you, it is time to remember how fortunate you are.  To make a mental note of doing something special for friends and family to let them know just how grateful you are, is setting yourself up for a big *groan*.  No post-it on this one; be in the moment and tell them on the spot.  You are not wasting energy trying to remember if you said it or not.  Breathe and blink the tears out!

Month 5 - Remember who you are, even if it is a stranger staring back in the mirror.  Read that post-it on the mirror that says, "This is Me!"  Remember that you are a capable individual and that your life experiences have prepared you in some way or other for this season of your life.  You will certainly not feel very capable - clueless even - but you are capable.  After all, you are reading this and hopefully smiling!  Breathe, blink and now try to swallow.

Month 6 - Forget everything!  Back to searching for your notepad and starting up with a new colour of post-its because they will stand out better.  Your mind has given up on the other colour.  Back to remembering how to breathe!  Expect this back and forth - and if it doesn't happen, BONUS!  Breathe!

Month 7 - Remember who is in that picture with you.  Remember why you are feeling crappy because by now, life around you is moving on and you can't seem to put the finger on why you are feeling alone.  Take up a new set of lists - list your blessings, list your favourite memories, and certainly list your hopes for the next moments - hmmm, starting to sound like journaling.  If you have not yet started, it is a good time to include on your "pick-up" shopping list, a nice journal and a few pens.  Placing your thoughts on paper is a great way to get it out.  No one sees these journals so an entry for a day can be as simple as ... today I feel like s@*#!  There, you have said it; you have named it and claimed it as your emotion in the moment.  Oh, and while you are scheduling your day on your post-it, don't forget to set aside time to journal.  Breathe and try blinking again.

Month 8 - Remember that this is a journey and not a race!  No matter how much you can be tempted to rip off the band-aid, healing comes from within.  Remember that it is your journey and it is unique because of the relationship you had.  Remember to listen with your mind and not your heart when those around are giving advice; for your heart will certainly be hurt with all the well-intentioned statements.  Who knows, your mind may be able to sift through the words and polish a gem.  Remember that you are an intelligent individual, despite the fact that you once again forgot to bring the roll of toilet paper.  Remember to take an inventory of what you have accomplished so far - even if that is simply getting out of bed every morning for a trip to the bathroom and back.  Breathe easier, blink often and swallow.

Month 9 - Remember that your journey will bring you many seasons.  Mine just happens to be Spring!  Breathe my tender hearts.

PS - Remember above all to be kind to yourself.  There are no right or wrong ways to doing this - as long as you stay safe!