Nine months today. Is it time to give birth to my new destination? I have not happen upon this path easily and feel that somehow I have lost my way. Nine months ago, my world was plunged into darkness and I would love nothing more than to see a tiny glimmer of sunlight. Today, I remain in the moment for looking beyond this makes me feel like I will surely drown.
My last couple of entries speak of subtle changes in me. Is my darkness making way for light? At times, I gently encourage my mind to move forward despite the fact that I am faced with today. I encourage myself to think of tomorrow, of next month and sometimes dare to question - next year? What next? These are the moments when the past tempts me more than usual. I return to the morning, nine short months ago, when my beautiful husband was quietly rustling about, trying to let me sleep. I long to hear that rustling.
This morning, as painful as it is, I remind myself that I have a new path waiting. It is now "my" path. A path that will move me forward into the future and offer me this glimmer of sunlight. It is mine alone to find and to follow. As much as I would wish it different, the past is as it was and as it always will stay.
I have trusted my grief, made room for it, walked with it. I have also grown impatient with it and sometimes even tried to ignore it. It has been patient with me, and waited for me to walk with it again. It is in no hurry and there is no timeframe. I am convinced that it will also know, when I am no longer holding onto it tightly, how to gently release itself from my heart.
I think that maybe, all along, by putting one foot in front of the other these past nine months, that I have already planted my foot and started walking towards the light.
Oh my, Ginette, how lovely. This is so insightful: "have trusted my grief, made room for it, walked with it." I know that you are walking toward the light. One foot in front of the other.
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