What is this?

What is this?  These mood swings catches even me off-guard; can you image those who have known me the longest and have known me as gentle?  Is it the season - enough snow and cold?  Is it menopause?  A combination all three - season, menopause and oh yeah grief?

I start off most mornings feeling quite okay and by mid-morning I feel the sadness beginning to settle in and then the sharp misery and grief settles in with late afternoon.  There it sits in the pit of my stomach, reaching up to pull on my heart strings which are connected to my tear ducts! With each session, I feel as though it takes me longer to process it, I am more resistant to spending the time to experience it and as you can well imagine, it then takes longer for it to be over.  I find myself planning my schedule accordingly.  I know that important meetings, where my gentle nature and undivided attention is required, are scheduled for mornings; otherwise, when I have no choice and meetings are scheduled for mid to late afternoon, I need double the energy to keep my "frying pan" or "rolling pin" imagery tucked way to the back in my mind.  Some gentle nature!

Weekends feel a little less consuming because it is easier to simply hide in my garage or in my bedroom by the end of the day.  I also have more time to try to pinpoint exactly what it is that I am missing about Bill in that moment.  Do I miss seeing his face, the sound of his laughter, the beautiful sound of his dreamy voice (the man could have been one of those 900- lines and made a mint).  On the weekends, I can take the time to focus on what is the biggest thing I miss about him in that moment and associate the memories that go with it, shed the tears on the spot and then I feel better for doing so.  On the weekends I get to really lean into my grief.

This week, I have grown impatient (okay, might have been more than impatient - maybe raised my voice with shotgun eyes) with a couple of my biggest supporters at work.  I have come home with a heavier heart for it and my tears that much hotter, for if it were not for these wonderful people at work, life there would be miserable.  I have apologized to them, and in my heart have vowed that it will not happen again. BUT NO ... happened again the very next day.

What is this?  Enough of winter weather?  Menopause - sure hope not cause that is for a few years!  Shoot me now!  Grief?

Ah - I miss Bill!  I miss my sounding board, the one who was always there in my corner ... the one who could help me find balance in my thoughts because he knew HOW to listen.