I have lived my whole life believing
when things got tough, "this too
shall pass." And this
did seem to eventually pass and I always assumed that I returned to my old self again.
For the past 2 years, my mantra
continued to console me, "this too shall pass."
More recently, I am beginning to appreciate
that this will not pass for it has become a part of me. The significant annual losses and events begining in 2009 through to this year, have changed and moulded me. I no longer see nor react to life the same
way; there was never really getting back to my old self again.
I have written about the second year
in previous posts and how much more difficult it was compared to the first. The first year was about survival; "How
am I ever going to do this without Bill?"
The second year anniversary came with the realization that I can survive and it is truly Bill, the person I miss. Both years, I charged through
with my trusted mantra ... this too shall pass - or did I?
This past Friday, I reconnected with an acquaintance I had not seen for a very long time. We shared our stories, her eyes growing bigger with astonishment with the recounting of every event. When I finished summarizing she asked, "What is holding you up girl?" I could not answer. When I got home, I began trying to explain it to myself. I came to fully understand and appreciate that this won't pass nor should it because these life experiences are offering me wisdom, compassion and strength; something to share.
I am reminded of another of my guiding convictions about life, "this time is the only time" - we can't know what tomorrow will bring. Because of it, I have no regrets regarding my relationship with Bill. Time to reconnect with this way of life; slow down,
breathe gently and adopt a new mantra when my grief and loneliness demands my
full attention ... "this too shall
change."
I'll be a widow for 1 year three days after Christmas. I've found your blog very helpful and this post especially so. My husband went from healthy to dead in 6 hours. My surgeon didn't think sudden widowhood was reason enough to reschedule the total hysterectomy I had 3 weeks after Stephen's death. As Stephen was clergy, I also needed to move from the rectory into my own housing. All the forms I signed from the Diocese were titled "Retirement" so although I hadn't been employed for 28 years, I became both a widow and retired - 2 totally new identities. I'm living in a house I left at 18 near family and friends who have childhood images of me, missed the middle years and suddenly are connecting with a grandmother. Even that role is fairly new as my oldest grandchild is 2 and the 5th grandchild is due in May. I think it's been easier for me because it was like one of those movies where the chandelier crashes to the floor breaking into a million pieces and there's only time for one horrified glance backwards.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ruth for your feedback. Indeed, sudden death on its own has its issues, but your chandelier analogy does give meaning to your journey with grief given the events that followed your husband's death. I do hope that at some point, your pace will slow down a bit and allow you time to breathe. Do take good care of yourself.
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