Princess and the pea .. pebble in a shoe!

Ever have the pebble in your shoe?  You know, the one that really doesn't hurt but annoys the heck out of you?  That pebble that irritates and makes you raw, yet you are so busy getting to your destination, you tolerate because it does not have you stop to clear your shoe before marching forward?

Well this would be an "ah ha" moment for me today.  It has been almost 18 months since Bill's death.  There was no putting my shoes on at first ... and when I did, it was difficult to put one foot in front of the other.  Destination?  What is that?  All the while, you feel everyone focused on you ... making sure that your shoes are still on, or being so bold as to pointing out that you have them on the wrong foot, all the while coaxing you to take those steps.

After a while, there is an expectation that you have done this long enough and you must know by now how to lace up your own shoes.  And a little while more, that you can walk the path.  Then comes the questions of, "How are you?"   After this comes not the question but the statement, "It is so nice to see you moving forward!"  All the while, you are left with the pebble in your shoe!

Indeed, the hurt is not the same; the journey made lighter by acceptance of a new lifestyle, but that dang pebble is still in your shoe!  There is something there, annoying you always and you really do not know how to articulate your annoyance with these expectations.  All the while, your mind says, "I am not better.  It does not hurt less.  It is simply that I have learned to live with it!"  How do you articulate this without putting a downer into it?

I am certain that I will never know what it is like to live without the pain of losing Bill.  But like the person who learns to deal with their chronic pain, I am learning to live with mine.  My life is made complete by knowing Bill;  it is now about learning how to deal with this chronic pain for I accept it will never go away, yet there is a life to live to its fullest!