Undisturbed presence ...

As I sit here tonight, listening to the freezing rain pelting the windows, I am reminded that only two days ago, I was thrilled at the sighting of my first Robin this year.  There was such a rush, knowing that the long winter has finally come to an end and in this sighting its promise of a new season in my life.

I looked back at my blog this time last year and was moved by the journey since that time.  I wrote .. "I've been going through the existence of life.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Every morning has a sunrise, every lunchtime a "need" to eat and every evening another sunset that promises a night of unrest."  It was obvious from these words that I had not yet had my first glimpse of a Robin, and even more, the rush of a promise of a new season in my life.

I have racked up 10 hours of raking in the back yard so far and I am actually looking forward to as many hours to finish this job of clearing the canvas.  "Looking forward ..."  This is a far cry from last year.  Although, I am looking forward to prepping the canvas to my back yard to paint the beautiful scene I envisioned with Bill ... I continue to be with him in all that I do.  It is different now; I sense him with me.  With every load of my wheelbarrow, I feel his strength pouring through me.  I am no longer alone.

My home has grown quiet with the moving out of my son and my niece, but the void has been filled with Bill's undisturbed presence.

Mission Silver Fox ...

Today's encounter has me questioning my silver fox fashion statement!   

A few months before Bill's death, I told him that I was ready to let mother nature shine.  I was tired of the long hours spent in the hairdresser's chair waiting for the colour to take; after all, I had better things to do with my time.  My first white hair started to make an appearance when I was 16 and I can't count the many hours spent fighting mother nature. 

Bill's response was that he was not ready to see me with white hair.  So I did the next best thing ... I went blonde!  Takes longer for the roots to show.  After his death, I finished the process of becoming blonde only to grow more impatient with the time it took every 7 weeks to maintain this new look.  I took the plunge and had my hairdresser clip off all this craziness and let my silver fox mane shine!

I have taken a few hits since then, being asked if I qualified for senior's discount, being introduced to another younger - but older than me - widower only to have him state that he was not into the grey hair scene, etc.

But I sit here tonight still chuckling at this morning's exchange ...

I was standing in the lineup - outside - to get some coffee and oatmeal before work.  While waiting, this older gentleman was coming out and I overheard him asking the ladies in front if they had a lighter.  I reached into my pocket and produced the lighter.  Looking down at my hand, he thanked me for the light and then as he was handing it back, he looked up - way up ... to my silver hallo then back down to my eyes.  As he did so, I happen to notice that his smile grew wider by the moment.  Much like a TV animation cartoon, his whole face lit up.  He lingered but a fraction of a moment more and asked if I would be staying for coffee.  Oblivious to what was coming next, I informed him that I was not staying but grabbing my breakfast to go.

He asked where I was going and being the good little girl who respects her elders, yet feeling awkward with the question, I simply said that I would be going to work.  He looked a little puzzled and then asked if I would be done early.  Thinking this even more strange, and suffering the aftershock of being blonde for a while, I responded quite clueless, that I would be working a full day.  He then floored me!  He asked me out.

"I would very much like to take you out after work."  Yikes!  My jaw dropped! 

Okay, there are couple of things fundamentally wrong here ... why did the sight of my silver hair seem to make him so bold as to ask me out and how the heck does my getting off work early come into play? 

 

I declined politely.  His response certainly gave me pause to reconsider my silver mane ... he said that's too bad because he is wealthy!  Desperate?

I have had my chuckle, and hope that you have laughed along with me.  Truth be told, it is really not about the age thing, it is more about experiencing both ends of the spectrum; my silver crown is either a turn off or a turn on.

I am now coming to the conclusion that I am comfortable with who I am and what I look like.  Either way, it most certainly does not give anyone permission to be so bold.

One good moment ...

It was a sleepless night on the mountain last night.  As I lay there watching the lightning splitting the black sky without a whisper of thunder to chase it, I found the silence deafening.  Much like the flashes of memories of Bill that come to break my solitude, not a whimper is left within me to express what I am feeling.  There was no rain, there were no tears.  Silence. 

My days are filled with enough distractions that when grief comes to tap me on the shoulder, I can now take it and put it on the shelf for the moment.  I trust that there will be enough time to spend with it in the evening and most definitely during the night. 

For a little while I have been upset by the fact that the tears are no longer there all the time, that my heart no longer feels like it will explode and that reminding myself to breathe is no longer my only goal every day.  I was upset with all of this because it felt like I was no longer walking closely with Bill.

Things are changing.  Most days are okay with occasional moments of sadness.  Then there are days filled with sadness.  This past week has been especially difficult with my memories going back to the night Bill died.  These are painful times with many unanswered questions. 

What is different, what is changing, is that I now know that this too shall pass.  I look forward to the renewed feeling that follows these storms, and have come to expect to feel my inner strength grow.

I wait for that one day, when there will be pure moments of happiness.  For now, I continue to focus on that one good moment every day.

Forever captured ...

Saturday I stood in the never ending Wal-Mart cash queue!   As if my time is that structured, I began to lose patience until I happen to notice this adorable older couple.  He was waiting patiently placing each bag into the cart as the cashier rang more items through.  The wife watched intently and commented when she thought the price was not right or when she thought she heard the item ringing through twice.  My impatience with the lineup changed and I became mesmerized by the pure and simple symphony they offered.  How many times through their married life, did they rehearse this heartwarming melody of being together.  He stepped in a little closer to her when she commented and pointed out whether or not she was correct.  He did so gently and so very much in support of his loving wife.  There was no impatience in his body language, there was no discounting her concerns in his eyes; there was simply support of her in his heart.  She would then look up to him and he returned a gentle smile.  It was time to run her debit card through, and again he took that small step next to her, placing his weathered  hand at the base of her back and whispered something in her ear.  She reached out and wrapped her arm around his waist while she finished entering her code.  Through moistened eyes, I watched as they walked away.

This is a scene I often witness and I always wonder what it would have been.  We had rehearsed this same symphony many times over.  However, there is something to say that I will always remember what we were ... same but younger.  Bill will be captured in my heart and in my mind as forever young.

To be kissed again ...

To be kissed again,

Knowing that I will never hear

"You kiss real good," again.

Still, it is what I hope and fear.

To be kissed again,

Knowing I am the only one

To hear again, you will

and always be the only one!

To think this way,

Do I now betray?

To come in the need

of this Earthly way.

I am and will always be ...

BForever , yours and always.