It was a sleepless night on the mountain last night. As I lay there watching the lightning splitting the black sky without a whisper of thunder to chase it, I found the silence deafening. Much like the flashes of memories of Bill that come to break my solitude, not a whimper is left within me to express what I am feeling. There was no rain, there were no tears. Silence.
My days are filled with enough distractions that when grief comes to tap me on the shoulder, I can now take it and put it on the shelf for the moment. I trust that there will be enough time to spend with it in the evening and most definitely during the night.
For a little while I have been upset by the fact that the tears are no longer there all the time, that my heart no longer feels like it will explode and that reminding myself to breathe is no longer my only goal every day. I was upset with all of this because it felt like I was no longer walking closely with Bill.
Things are changing. Most days are okay with occasional moments of sadness. Then there are days filled with sadness. This past week has been especially difficult with my memories going back to the night Bill died. These are painful times with many unanswered questions.
What is different, what is changing, is that I now know that this too shall pass. I look forward to the renewed feeling that follows these storms, and have come to expect to feel my inner strength grow.
I wait for that one day, when there will be pure moments of happiness. For now, I continue to focus on that one good moment every day.
No comments:
Post a Comment