Your love in my heart for eternity ...

I dedicate this post to a dear and loving friend.  She has just said goodbye to her dear mother today.  She is breathing gently today and my prayer is that she will continue to do so for a very long time.  I love you Sue and know that I will be there when you need to be quiet with your grief.

Breathe gently my tender heart!

Your love in my heart for eternity ...

Two wise eyes always gazed knowingly into my heart

And a perceptive smile seen a million times
Your loving face is always on my mind.

One last battle you could not fight

Yet my heart tells me you were the victor
For you knew exactly when to walk into the light.

Three grieving sisters, always by your side

Clasping your hand with all our might
The day was long, then the night then morn.

With your last breath came a mighty cry

My heart broke then danced with delight
For now I knew you were finally free.

You fought so hard to stay with us

All along we wanted you to be free
Now a photo I look to see your smile.

We have no choice but to set you free

The memories of you I will always keep
Your love in my heart is for eternity.

Dearest Mother,

Guide me as you have always, until God asks you to bring me home.

 

P.S.  I wrote this when my mother died this past April 2012.  I have been selfishly holding onto it until today.

A simple gesture ...

I spent the day yesterday with my son who was playing in a road hockey tournament fundraiser for Cancer.  It was cold and rainy so unfortunately, other than the players, only a few family members were out to watch.

I knew quite a few players because they also play at Game On Ball Hockey.  I got to chat with a few.  Funny thing is, outside of work, I really don't get to "chat" with people very much.  Therefore, I tend to go on about "stuff" when I do get an opportunity.  When Bill was around to "chat" about "stuff", I was not one to go on and on.  Now that he is not around, I feel like a starved person at an all-you-can-eat buffet served at the Social Interaction restaurant.

There was one moment however, that stood out.  I was standing alone a little off to the side, watching the team warming up when all of a sudden I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder.  It was instantaneous!  My heart warmed with this simple gesture.  I held on to that feeling of acknowledgement until I realized just how famished I really am.  This kind gesture came from an acquaintance; we spoke briefly.  For the remainder of the day, I felt awkward, kind of out of place.  I was on the outside looking in ... wives watching their husbands, girlfriends looking good for their boyfriends, and friends cheering for friends.  It is really when I attend such events, stag and does, sporting events, weddings, banquets that I feel the most alone and out of place.

This simple gesture felt good but it came at a price.  I returned to the sanctuary of my home, where I recognize my aloneness and thus is not so difficult to deal with.

My wise son said, "It's not good for you to spend so much time alone.  You need to get out more."  I realize that I need to rebuild my life, my circle of friends and by doing so, I will carve out my new space where I do feel I belong.  I agree, dear boy, but so far, it seems to come at a price.

I had a dream ...

For so long, I have pleaded with Bill to come visit me in my dreams.  I have written about it, cried out loud to him before crying myself to sleep and pleaded over and over again in a whisper.  Other than the one brief moment of dancing, he has moved through my dreams as  pure essence.  Not today, he was real!

My dream was a parallel of my life today, the life where I have worked diligently to clear the physical clutter of his existence, and where I work to keep up appearances.  The house, becoming less a home and more a house was turned on its ear when I returned from work one day to find that things had changed.  Having gone to the spare room to throw myself on the daybed for a quick nap, I could sense that something was different - there was another presence.  When I woke up from my nap I heard commotion in the hallway.  I tried to get to the hallway to investigate the source of the noise but I was being held back by another who seemed to know exactly what was going on.  By the time I negotiated past this person, I finally caught a glimpse of my sons helping their father move his clothes from our room.  When I finally locked eyes with my husband, I felt for the first time in my life, his rejection.  It was a look of disappointment and disapproval, then he was gone after saying so much without uttering a word.

I rushed through the house following the noise down the stairs and through the hallway.  I ran to the garage door to find that a new bolt had been installed.  When I opened the door, I saw my new vehicle parked there next to a boat.  My heart skipped a beat for the boat was one of those "things" Bill had always wanted but we could never afford.  I smiled because the boat was parked in our garage.  I raced down the stairs to find Bill.  It did not take long to notice him walking back into the garage.

He looked thinner, younger and his hair was in a ponytail.  He always said that when he no longer needed to work for a living, that he would let his hair grow.  I just could not grasp all this change from his being away on a business trip ... he looked happy, surrounded by all these "things" he had always wanted.  Did I mention that there was big truck in the driveway?

He did not take me into his arms, he did not kiss me, but I sensed he wanted to simply be there for me.  I tried to explain why everything here had changed so much, that I had had to purchase a new car without consulting him, that I had had to change this and that while he was away, but he simply shushed me.  He looked into my heart and said, "I finally figured it out, and I no longer will be without." 

I woke up only to desperately try to fall back to sleep, "Wait Bill!"

I feel like I have just lost him all over again.  My heart is breaking and my tears will simply not stop.

Breathing in the moment ...

Okay ... so enough of the grief stricken widow ... there are younger ones than I  ... older ones than me ... we are not alone!

I sometimes feel alone, but lately I have been feeling a little selfish!  Selfish in not acknowledging those who hurt as much ... alone because there is no one here (physically) to acknowledge "my" pain and yet wanting to acknowledge another's!

I just read a comment on my younger cousin's Facebook status that makes reference to 7 months ... all I felt inside was compassion - a need to reach out to her!  Acknowledging her in her journey ... I hear you!

I remember reading these words from more seasoned widows and thinking ... do they?  They did!

To the one widow who reminded me ... are you breathing?  Thank you! 

May I simply ... and its purest form offer to another ... this peace of mind  is all about being in the moment!

Breathe my tender heart, for the moment is all you have to deal with!  2 days ... 2 months ... 2 years ... there will always be a moment ... breathe!

Give yourself permission ... to breathe in the moment!

There is no concrete measure of this ... for 2 moments, 2 days, 2 months, 2 years ... there will always be a need to breathe in the moment!  It is what it is ... and that is all it can be!

Thank you Bill ...

Oh Bill, how can I ever thank you enough?

I thank you for trusting me to be ...

·        your friend

·        your lover

·        your wife

·        your confidante

·        your friend

·        your lover

·        the mother of your first born

·        your partner in building a home

·        your soul mate

·        your friend

·        your lover

·        the mother of your second and third son

·        your friend

·        your lover

·        your accomplice in shopping for the perfect gifts

·        your mother's caregiver

·        your lover

·        your friend

·        your sister's friend

·        your friend

·        your lover

·        your confidante

·        your safe place

·        your nurse

·        your counsellor

·        your everything

·        your widow!

Purgatory ...

I took a full month off this summer in anticipation of the painful time brought on by the second year anniversary of Bill's death.  Overall, it was a very wise move.  I did not, nor could I have anticipated the truths that would come from being quiet in my walk with grief.  The biggest truth of all is that I am lonely.

One can argue that loneliness is inherent to grieving; I agree with this argument.  However, this loneliness hurts in a very different way.  My loneliness associated with grieving Bill is more a sense of yearning.  I love Bill so much but he is physically gone - I yearn to have him by my side.  I need Bill so much but he is not here physically - I yearn to have him back to help me with this.  I still grapple with the fact that this is just not fair.  I love, miss and need him so much and I am lonely because I yearn for his physical presence.  This I have come to accept because he is a gift and I accept to walk this journey because of our love.

This new loneliness is different.  It is a kind of loneliness that plagues me; a loneliness that says "I am alone in the world."  At the end of the day, I feel like I have walked through my day without actually being part of it.  I feel disconnected from those who share my existence and with myself while being engaged in living my life.  I find myself wondering if anyone even really gets how much I still feel the pain.  How could they?  I'm quite good at being the "good little griever"; my actions are governed by my thoughts of, "I don't want to bring anybody down," or "I need to be strong for my family," or "Nobody wants to hear about this anymore," or my favourite "They think I am fine, why burden them?"  It is no wonder that they have lost sight of my pain or have not lost sight of it and would rather not open my wound because I seem to be doing okay.

This loneliness is not about losing Bill.  It is about the real physical need for touch.  The need to sit with a cup of java in the morning to plan the day and the glass of wine at the end of the day to share the day's events.  To have that one person who is vested in me and I in him.  To have someone on my side when  life has handed me a lump of coal and that same someone who knows me well enough to gently balance my perceptions when I was in the wrong.

I wonder sometimes if this my own purgatory ... time spent between two loves.  In this is hope.  It is about having known a great love; a love so pure that makes it worth risking to love again despite the reality that I may one day again walk this journey with grief.