A simple gesture ...

I spent the day yesterday with my son who was playing in a road hockey tournament fundraiser for Cancer.  It was cold and rainy so unfortunately, other than the players, only a few family members were out to watch.

I knew quite a few players because they also play at Game On Ball Hockey.  I got to chat with a few.  Funny thing is, outside of work, I really don't get to "chat" with people very much.  Therefore, I tend to go on about "stuff" when I do get an opportunity.  When Bill was around to "chat" about "stuff", I was not one to go on and on.  Now that he is not around, I feel like a starved person at an all-you-can-eat buffet served at the Social Interaction restaurant.

There was one moment however, that stood out.  I was standing alone a little off to the side, watching the team warming up when all of a sudden I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder.  It was instantaneous!  My heart warmed with this simple gesture.  I held on to that feeling of acknowledgement until I realized just how famished I really am.  This kind gesture came from an acquaintance; we spoke briefly.  For the remainder of the day, I felt awkward, kind of out of place.  I was on the outside looking in ... wives watching their husbands, girlfriends looking good for their boyfriends, and friends cheering for friends.  It is really when I attend such events, stag and does, sporting events, weddings, banquets that I feel the most alone and out of place.

This simple gesture felt good but it came at a price.  I returned to the sanctuary of my home, where I recognize my aloneness and thus is not so difficult to deal with.

My wise son said, "It's not good for you to spend so much time alone.  You need to get out more."  I realize that I need to rebuild my life, my circle of friends and by doing so, I will carve out my new space where I do feel I belong.  I agree, dear boy, but so far, it seems to come at a price.