I had a dream ...

For so long, I have pleaded with Bill to come visit me in my dreams.  I have written about it, cried out loud to him before crying myself to sleep and pleaded over and over again in a whisper.  Other than the one brief moment of dancing, he has moved through my dreams as  pure essence.  Not today, he was real!

My dream was a parallel of my life today, the life where I have worked diligently to clear the physical clutter of his existence, and where I work to keep up appearances.  The house, becoming less a home and more a house was turned on its ear when I returned from work one day to find that things had changed.  Having gone to the spare room to throw myself on the daybed for a quick nap, I could sense that something was different - there was another presence.  When I woke up from my nap I heard commotion in the hallway.  I tried to get to the hallway to investigate the source of the noise but I was being held back by another who seemed to know exactly what was going on.  By the time I negotiated past this person, I finally caught a glimpse of my sons helping their father move his clothes from our room.  When I finally locked eyes with my husband, I felt for the first time in my life, his rejection.  It was a look of disappointment and disapproval, then he was gone after saying so much without uttering a word.

I rushed through the house following the noise down the stairs and through the hallway.  I ran to the garage door to find that a new bolt had been installed.  When I opened the door, I saw my new vehicle parked there next to a boat.  My heart skipped a beat for the boat was one of those "things" Bill had always wanted but we could never afford.  I smiled because the boat was parked in our garage.  I raced down the stairs to find Bill.  It did not take long to notice him walking back into the garage.

He looked thinner, younger and his hair was in a ponytail.  He always said that when he no longer needed to work for a living, that he would let his hair grow.  I just could not grasp all this change from his being away on a business trip ... he looked happy, surrounded by all these "things" he had always wanted.  Did I mention that there was big truck in the driveway?

He did not take me into his arms, he did not kiss me, but I sensed he wanted to simply be there for me.  I tried to explain why everything here had changed so much, that I had had to purchase a new car without consulting him, that I had had to change this and that while he was away, but he simply shushed me.  He looked into my heart and said, "I finally figured it out, and I no longer will be without." 

I woke up only to desperately try to fall back to sleep, "Wait Bill!"

I feel like I have just lost him all over again.  My heart is breaking and my tears will simply not stop.