Part of my life's story ...

Sometimes I close my eyes and try to visualize my journey with grief.  I often see winding pathways meeting up with hills so high I can't see the other side, many crossroads, dreary weather and sunshine.  I feel the gravel making my feet unsteady and the peaceful moments when the sand invites me to stop and take off my shoes to sit for a spell.  For the past few months, I see myself only sometimes alone.  The landscape is changing and I often see Bill holding my hand as he steadies me over obstacles or simply sitting next to me as I sink my toes in the warm sand and let the sunshine spread across my face, enjoying the simple pleasure of his company.

Never in my lifetime have I had to notice as much as I do now, how I fit in the world.  Really, who goes through life asking themselves how the world works?  Umm ... guess I do. 

I am developing my own theory on change and in doing so, I believe it has enriched my experience with grief.

These past 15 months are best described as ever changing; constant motion.  At times, my grief has led me places I never imagined going, it has paralyzed me making me desperate for change.  I have wanted to move out of the painful world of grief to relief, from resistance to mindfulness, from fear to peace, and from despair to hoping again.  Just as I think I have mastered moving forward, I return to the world of pain, resistance, fear and despair.  I have picked myself up many times, shaking it off, being mindful and deliberate in moving forward again; finding balance again.  With each time there is an ever growing sense of strength inside.

I continue to trust in my walk with grief, Bill always present, trusting that I will reach a new form of normalcy.  I also trust that my destination will be made clear; a time and a space where I will be whole because I have walked through this journey and have made it part of my life's story.