Quality vs. Quantity ...

There are many times I have asked myself and have written about - why? 

Why me? 

Why now? Why Bill and not me?  Why must our sons be without?

Why ....

I know that there will be more to come and most will most certainly remain unanswered. 

However, the answer to "Why does this hurt so much?" is evolving.  The obvious answer to this is because I love Bill so very much.  This obvious, simple answer is evolving.  It is no longer just about love but also about the impact he has on who I have become. 

As I navigate through some difficult challenges, I find myself thinking like him.  All these years when I would say, "I'm not versed on that topic; you make the decision." he would not.  He would take the time to give me all the information and we would make decisions together.  It was not about decision-making, it was about believing in me enough to know that one day I might have to make them on my own.  He shared his thought process on every decision we made together.  So today I honour him by using his thought process when I am called to make decisions; he is still with me.  I hurt a little less.

About the "Why me?", that too is evolving.  Once I moved passed the fact that there will never be a definitive answer, I came to appreciate the valuable lessons I have learned on my journey with grief.  My experience has afforded me the opportunity for personal reflection and growth. 

My life had become quite busy with career, community involvement and family obligations.  I had become too busy to think about the quality of my life.  I had no time to appreciate just how short life is and the true purpose of my existence.  I have since come to appreciate reflecting on real matters such as the focus of my life, the depth of my love for my family and friends and what comes next.

I am coming to the conclusion that my grief is an expression of our love.