The Sum of My Experiences ...

We cannot afford to forget any experience, not even the most painful. ~ Dag Hammarskjold

I have always said, it was where I've been and who I've been with in my past that has shaped who I am today.  I like what the sum of my experiences, good and bad, has created.

So why is it that in these last few weeks I have sought to forget?  I have busied my life so much - most from external obligations - that to even have an extra moment in my waking day seems impossible!  At first this suited me fine because I did not have to pay attention to the ache in my heart nor did I have time to stop and think about when Bill and I used to drive by that gas station commenting on the price of gas.  As I've said before, it is all in the little things that gets you; come to think of it, there is nothing little about the price of gas!  But in the last few days, I have become impatient with these distractions.  I miss having time to grieve. 

Indeed, you can avoid your taxes but at some point the tax man will come to collect, with interest - as did my grief!  I may have avoided my grief by being busy but when it came to tap me on the shoulder, I was totally unprepared for the assault! 

There is a folktale about a group of people, each of whom was given the chance to throw one trouble into a central heap in the middle of the room.  Then they were invited to choose one from the pile.  They each ended up taking back their own.

My grief sat in that pile for a little while.  I suppose it was only right to take it back because I believe in being the sum of my experiences and to negate this most painful experience is to deny myself the opportunity to discover something new about me and more importantly, to deny my very self.

Although I cannot do very much about the external obligations that keep me busy, I will continue to embrace this life of mine, all of it.  I will continue to change for the better what I can change and accept what I cannot.  I will not forget this pain and now I choose to continue honouring it for it is part of who I am.  That same person Bill loved so much!