Doing okay ...

What an interesting day ... might I add, what interesting times.  There is great freedom when you finally let go of the notion that you need to grieve according to someone else's timelines or according to someone else's expectations or according to society's preconceived notion of "good" grieving.   Good grief - exhausting!

I think I discovered there was a life outside my fishbowl when I was asked the question by a very wise individual, "How important is it for you to have others know that you are okay?"

I began to ponder the question starting with ... "Do I really do that?"  Indeed I did.  Just before Bill died, I had started my journey into self-discovery and was just beginning to accept that I have enough on my platter without making myself responsible for another's.  Major backslide into pure muck!  Becoming a widow all of a sudden had me scrambling to ensure that those around me were comfortable with my grief!  Wow, that is quite the ego trip, would you not agree?  Little old me, responsible for another's feelings.  

Then I asked myself the question why?  I believe this need was fuelled by the fact that for some reason, people seemed more at ease with giving unsolicited advice than to simply sit and just be.  More advice, more my desire to let everyone know that I was doing okay burned inside.  You should be doing this ... it is normal to want to - but ... unlike you, she is seeing it differently ... and the list goes on. More advice, more fuel to the fire, more fuel to my desire to prove that I was doing okay.  I had quite the bonfire going!

I gave up!  The fire consumed my days, consumed me and I was burnt.  I finally realized that I could not, nor should I want to, please everyone.  Freedom!  I was accountable to only one person ... me.  Guess what?  I'm doing okay.