For the longest while, I have avoided routines that were once ours - that includes coming home for lunch. This was our routine, time to share a meal and have those conversations we wanted to have without our audience - the boys. I remember many quiet conversations about what was going on at work, planning for work to be done or weekend outings, then there were our special luncheons ... YUM.
I am becoming more comfortable with my journey with you and find it okay to grab a Tim's and parking at the river, sitting with a Martini enjoying Sarah perform and now more recently coming home for lunch. Although the house is quiet without the kids, without you and Sadie, it is good to break from the work environment and spend time with myself. The flip side of this, as I have discovered, is the opportunities to say yes to the last minute invitations to join someone for lunch or when it moves me to ask someone else to lunch. Hmmm .... something I did not do in the past because I wanted to get back with you or back to make sure Sadie was taken out to take care of her poor little bladder and a pat on the head. Poor Sadie ... as you so often said! You have to know that she is so very much in a very different and good environment today. Hmmm ... I wonder if there is anyone out there that could offer me the same? A warm loving home ... food, no cares and a pat on the head from time to time!
Getting back to the subject at hand ... oh yes ... routine and getting back to routine. This is a new and strange feeling. It is like ... if I have to be alone, then I must surely be able to appreciate this new independence. Am I ready to be independent? Heck yes ... and no. Yes because it is so, okay to come and go as I please being me ... and no, because I am who I am ... I am a nurturer ... and you so loved and deserved to be nurtured. I miss the companionship ... your friendship ... your ability to accept me as an independent person ... but this new independence has ... well ... if I have to be ... opportunities.
What strange world I live in - you are, and will always be my independence in a relationship. You relished in me ... being me ... you were big that way! And so now, I need to find out what that is ... me, being me on my own in this world.
Self discovery - I am no longer the person you once met ... I have been made stronger for knowing you, for loving you, for being loved by you. I am finding you, in who I am today, in who you always believed me to be ... I am finding who I am today. I am discovering the special person inside; the one you celebrate. Ah, I can feel you smiling. Thank you!
Still ... I miss you! I miss us!
Your loving wife - bforever!
Ginette
I think I told you that Gwen would say to me, "I love you not only for what you've made of yourself, but for what I am when I am with you." I see you saying the same thing here. That learning to be independent thing is so difficult, isn't it?
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