On a scale from 1 to 10 ...

I came across an older post by a very wise widow.  She spoke about the difference between the loss of her Dad and the loss of her husband.  It was a monumental moment for me a few days ago for I have been very cautious not to let my mind wander to comparing losses despite the growing impatience within me when people say there is no worst grief than ....  Greif is grief no matter who you lose - right?  I still hold to grief is grief but for the first time, my feelings are validated.  For months now, it has become increasingly more and more difficult to have my grief compared to the loss of another significant person in another's life.  Patience please ...

You see, when I lost my Dad, my life continued; Bill and I had our plans for the future.  We continued planning and seeing to our children's needs.  We were grieving together.  When my childhood friend made her way to Heaven, my life continued - we had our routine together and I had him to console me as no other could.  When Bill died, my plans for the future were altered, my daily routines of making a happy home seemed without purpose and I no longer had my partner to console me like no other can. 

It must have been in the stars because a dear friend showed up that same evening.  I was struggling with our wedding anniversary and having a great self-pity party in my back yard.  He held me while I completely came unglued.  When my cries finally died down, we sat and chatted about grief.  He has lost a brother, a son and more recently his wife, my dear friend Liane.  He shared with me a conversation he had with a work buddy about how do you measure your grief. "You lost your brother and your son," this man said.  "Is your grief not the same?"  My friend likened his pain to when a doctor asks you, "On a scale from 1 to 10 ..."  My friend said that losing his brother was a 1 and losing his son was definitely a 10.  Now, he has lost his brother, son and wife.  Although he never did place Liane on his pain scale, he did recognize that each experience was different because of the supports in place when each death occurred - Liane and his parents being there when his brother and son died.

Last night, I dragged my butt to bed and laid there hoping to rekindle that ah ha moment, I kept coming back to it is about the relationship you had with the person who died AND what impact it has on your day-to-day living and future plans.