Love endures all and has no boundaries ...

The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.

~ Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

The week has been made difficult by the fact that I felt as if this was the first wedding anniversary without Bill.  This time last year, it was too soon after his death and I was too numb to feel.  This week has been filled with mostly lows and I tried to keep myself upbeat during the day, however, I seemed to crumble come the end.  Last night was no exception; actually it was probably my lowest point.  But after every good rain, comes beauty.

The evening started okay working on my nephew's wedding video montage and I was enjoying the peaceful solitude of my home.  The phone rang and it was my sister calling to inform me that our mother had suffered another stroke, the second in a week.  We made plans to take the drive up to see her today.  I paused to think of my Mom and wondered if this time, the stroke would have taken the life out of her eyes.  Bit by bit, we are saying goodbye.  It is painful to watch her go through this so slowly knowing that she must be in pain; physical pain can be dealt with medication but the emotional pain of being at the total dependency of others for the most basic human needs cannot be dealt with medication.  The emotional pain of not having Dad there all this time has been a long-term sentence for her.  I started thinking of my situation and how I am working so hard for this not to be a long-term sentence.

The phone rang again and the gentleman asked to speak with Bill.  Typically, I would simply state, "Bill is dead." and hang up.  But there was something different about this caller, and I hesitated for a moment to put my well-rehearsed quick speech in play.  Instead, I asked who is calling and he gave me his name.  I remembered the name but could not quite put my finger on from where.  So I was a little gentler and said, "I'm sorry, but Bill is dead."  Little gentler don't you think?  There was a long pause, a clearing of the throat and the expected, "I'm sorry for your loss."  Then came the constricted throat clearing, another long pause and the unexpected, "Our loss."  My turn - my throat became tight and the tears came to my eyes.  He apologized, and all I could say was, "That's okay."  This was the beginning of a two hour conversation.  We talked about the when and where's but never broached the why.  He shared some stories I was not aware of and shared the impact Bill had on his life, on his family.  His first grandchild was born a week ago and Bill had been on his mind since.  He had wanted to call to let him know he was now a grandfather and wanted to thank him for his kindness so many years ago.  An act of kindness that had changed his life.  My beautiful, humble, giving Bill.  We laughed, I cried and laughed some more.  This gentleman told me stories of when Bill once lived and worked out of town.  At some points in the conversation, I felt Bill's presence.  We hung up with a promise that he would be calling again to check in with me.

I shut my computer and ran myself a bath.  I sat there for a good long while and wondered about that feeling; the feeling I had that Bill was with us.  The water grew cold and I could not bring myself to sit any longer.  I dried myself up and walked into the hallway and was hit with the mental picture of the night the ambulance came to claim my beautiful husband.  I slid to the floor and cried out the only thing I knew had been left unspoken - "Why?"  I sobbed. 

My niece came home and ran up to find me.  She put her arms around me and let me sob some more.  I was now tired enough to slip into bed and find blissful sleep.

I got up this morning feeling wrecked from the crying and slipped downstairs to make myself a cup of coffee.  As I stood by the counter, realizing the rain had come and gone, and I could smell a new day, a new opportunity to claim my recent victory of another boulder of firsts falling into my pit and I am still standing, I felt him near.  My victory knowing that this will not be a life sentence for I carry Bill with me and I am with him.  Love endures all and has no boundaries.