The beginning of a new work week. I am back to routine, wonderful routine. I have always been, and I guess will always be, attracted to hard work when I am faced with a difficult choice, with my breaking heart. I think back on all those nights Bill used to find me sitting on the floor in front of the refrigerator and I had just finished cleaning the fridge for the ... ummm ... third time ... at 3:00 a.m. His response was always the same, "What are you doing? Come, let's get you to bed." He would hold my hand and like a little child I willingly followed him back to bed. He would wrap his big old arms around me without a word, and in doing so it always said, "I understand and love you."
For so long now, I have been so okay - waking up most morning with a rush of feeling something. This past week has plunged me back to being not so okay. I recently wrote to a dear friend who is approaching his one year anniversary and said, "They say the second year is worse than the first. I am beginning to believing it! " Not very encouraging to the one who has not yet reached the one-year milestone! On the brighter side of this new journey into year two, there is space between the times shrouded by grief. Wonderful spacing that allows for natural breathing.
In that same correspondence I shared that I had read somewhere that "they" say that for every 10 years you have known someone, it takes a year to journey through this darkened maze of grief. For me, that would be another two years of ups and downs. Two years is a long sentence when in pain. Again, not very encouraging for him for he has known his love for 50 years. Who are "they" any way?
I have lived through this last week and have tucked what I have learned about myself into my suitcase. As I ran my mind over its contents last night, I realized my suitcase is not yet full, I have more to add. More importantly is the realization that this is our story. I chose to rearrange the contents, placing the brighter clothes on top, choosing to remember some of the happy times. I gently closed the lid with a smile.
With a tender sigh, I fell asleep listening to the gentle rhythm of my breathing.
I like that; "placing the brighter clothes on top." Glad you are getting some sleep and back into a routine; routines add something to our lives that we dearly need-stability. Your natural, upbeat nature is always a breath of fresh air.
ReplyDelete