Finding Balance ...

After spending another day working at my sister's place painting, I was feeling pretty good.  Quite the accomplishment, painting a whole house reno from primer to last contrast colour in only three days.  I was not only feeling, but also smelling pretty good for I took my first bath in a month.  No worries, I did have a few showers in between;  bathroom renos still not complete - getting there. 

The evening was finally cooling down and the sky was magnificent made possible with a setting sun.  A tear rolled down my cheek and all I could think was, "Oh no!  Not again!"  Just like poor Wile Coyote, grief fell on my head like a ton of bricks!  Guess I had not been paying attention to the constant tapping on my shoulder all day - grief not only came crashing down but had to push me off the cliff I had been standing at all day.  Help Bill!  Not wanting to frighten anyone driving by with my crumpled up red face, I kept my tears at bay, asking only to have the meltdown in the sanctuary of my own home *control freak, I know*.

Once home, I quickly started up the stairs to my bedroom, the grit of dry mortar cutting into my feet,  hurdling the clutter in the hallway, only to find the passage to my bedroom blocked with the clutter of tools, tiles and garbage.  Like the kid who hurried home to relieve her need to pee only to find the bathroom unavailable, I stood in the hall and peed my pants!  The tears were now flowing.  I did what any sane person would do, I made a quick bolt down the stairs and out to my garage.  I was now without an audience, able to unleash my grief.

I guess that this is all normal, the return of tears after so many days without; after all, I have been emotionally invested for 27 years.

Therèse Rando ~ How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies

"The most crucial task in grief is this change in relationship with the person who died.  It is the untying of the ties that bind you to your lost loved one.  Again, it must be stressed that this does not mean that the deceased is forgotten or not loved.  Rather, it means that the emotional energy that you had invested in the deceased is readjusted to allow you to direct it towards others who can reciprocate it in an ongoing fashion for your emotional satisfaction."

This book deals largely about managing to emotionally "let go".  My life has been made so much easier for having shifted from needing to exclude Bill to including him in my day-to-day.  This passage has a broader meaning to me, it is about finding balance - "change in relationship with the person who died."

Last night, as I started to draw back my camera zoom, I no longer focused on what I had lost, but noticed all that I have and that includes Bill.

Until the next time!