Well my first trip to the ER since Bill's death. No worries, all is well that ends well, my son is fine. Thanks to my sister, my other son, niece and of course Bill, this could have been more painful. My sister's guidance, my son's and niece's light heartedness and shared concern for their brother/cousin, helped share the load.
On my drive to the hospital all I could say was, "Please Bill, I can't be alone ... this is all such a maze!" As I stepped through the doors, a familiar upset churned in the pit of my stomach. Avoiding looking at the room where Bill once laid, I looked at the white board only to see the Walton name scribbled under "Family Room". This can't be!
As I walked towards the room, I could see that my son was okay. Relief began to settle in and when I was finally able to touch him and feel his warm hand I felt a rush of gratefulness. I slumped down and finally let my eyes roam, taking in the room. It seemed so small. I could have sworn that on that night, it felt deeper - longer. The patch work of gypsum and crack filling told the stories of others who had received "the" news. My son highlighted the filled hole where he had wanted to kick further on that night. Some of the memories started flooding in.
After a five hour visit, we stepped out in the sun. The children feeling quite hungry and I, feeling relieved and grateful that we were all heading home. However, I was left with a need for a large slurp of Pepto Bismal and a very long nap.
As I drove to the supermarket to pick up some much needed groceries, I seem to return to the feeling of randomly moving around. That same feeling that leaves you feeling out of touch with the overall picture. How precious and fragile life is. I was shaken by how fragile I seem to be.
As I work through this confusion that I know will pass, I try to keep my eye on the other parts of my life for it offers perspective, grounds me. One day I will be able to give these parts my full attention and believe with my heart that the parts of my story will not disappear.
With his permission, I am including a comment received through eMail today ...
ReplyDelete"Your raw honesty and open sharing of your feelings is refreshing. I have been widowed for 5 years and since following your blog have found comfort in knowing that I am not alone in what I am feeling. Yesterday's and today's posts share the ups and downs of grieving. There is courage there. Thank you for sharing. I love the humor, the frankness and the tips for those who support us. Again, thank you for sharing ...."