Friday, August 19, 2011

Re-authorizing my life story ...

There are days, such as yesterday, when my words are simply not to be shared.  My grief journal now holds the story of when I can only be intimate with Bill. 

On most days now, my emotions can be revealed.  I am transforming. Through my blog and journals - the telling of my story, I honour what I am experiencing, what I have lost.  I am marking time, giving points of reference for future reflections on this transitional time. 

There have been many occasions over the past few months, when I feel the most vulnerable, when I feel I have not progressed through this journey, I return to past postings and journal entries to re-read where I have been.  There is much richness to be found in the lived experiences; there is reassurance that I am moving forward.

My journals and blog honours and commemorates Bill.  It is my way of letting go of his physical presence only to connect in a new way to our relationship. 

I was challenged yesterday on my acknowledgement vs. acceptance position as it pertains to the 5 stages of grief.  I love to be challenged; it is an opportunity to clarify.  I acknowledge Bill's death as a means to accept our new relationship.  It is a way of managing in my mind, my loss and my new life.

The challenge now is moving this from my mind to my heart for I still very much miss Bill's physical presence.  I miss the simple things like placing my hand on his thigh when he is driving, feeling his breath on the top of my head as I lay my head on his chest and how that made me feel safe, being able to rest my eyes on him as we sit across the table sharing a simple meal, resting in his big old bear hugs ... and the list goes on.  I wish I had another hour with him here physically.

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