Reflecting back over the past year, more specifically on the eighth, ninth, and tenth months after Bill's death, I marvel at how I survived. So consumed with the task of grieving, there was no balance. A good little griever I would be! In the first months, it was all consuming and I dedicated myself to feeling all I needed to feel, to avoid the repercussions of not grieving. I had experienced these repercussions when I avoided grieving after my father died; I would not live through that again.
The latter part of the first year was made difficult by the guilt I felt when I heard myself "laughing" or "enjoying" time away from my grief. These occasions were not planned, but simply happened. Life happened. In spite of, or because of my dedication to grieving, life was returning. In those months, there were many very dark moments, but there were lighter moments. I was no longer simply going through the motions as I did in the first few months. The lighter moments seemed to make the darker moments so much darker - I was now on a roller coaster. For some, a roller coaster ride is thrilling, for me, being a bit of a "control freak", it is terror!
Driving back from playing my ball hockey game last night, I laughed at my penalty, I absorbed my team mate's compliments for a game well played and I found balance in the simple truth of giving myself permission to take a break from grieving.
It does indeed sound as though you are on your way to a new life, Ginette; you are being very brave and wise, in my opinion.
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