Home sweet home ...

This has been quite the week of meetings after meetings and travel.  I am finally home, settled in for the evening and while others are dreaming of sugar plum fairies ... I am panicking, for much is left to be done.  More meetings, more writing and more of everything not family.  We are already December 9th and anyone who knows me well, knows that the "old" me would already have the house decorated, baking done, Christmas music blaring every morning to wake up the household, the gifts purchased and wrapped.

New habits, new expectations ... new being me.  I have written before of the unexpected of the second year.  There is so much of your life that resumes after "one year"; you have little time to anticipate what's coming up.  The day gets there and WHAM!  No buffer for what you are feeling! 

Thinking back to last year this time, I had already planned Christmas.  There would be luminaries for Bill, there would be an ice candle at his gravesite, there would be a little message from each one of us in his stocking ... and the list goes on.  This year, I have put up some garland and lights, purchased one gift and it will take quite the effort to resume and finish my preparations. 

My heart is becoming so very aware that this is "forever".  For every moment spent saying to him, "I love you" my heart screams, "I miss you."  For every thought that says, "Thank you Bill for ... ", my heart screams, "I am so angry with you!"  However, at the end of the day, I slip between the sheets and whisper, "Until we meet again.  Good night love."

PS - Happy Birthday Dad ... miss you too and until we meet again.