Noise ...

There have been many occasions in these last nineteen months, when I have been invited to a social event and have declined.  Most understand, some accept and the others simply feel that I am alienating myself. 

I would like to offer that for me, it is finding the balance between socializing and being quietly alone.  When I feel that I have been socializing too much, I do a check and balance, asking myself, why.  Why am I being so busy?  Am I doing so to run away from my new reality, or am I sincerely wanting to join in with a group?  Many times, when I have declined, I have found that it is time to spend with my grief for I have always made room in my recent life for this.  Other times, I have declined because I would rather spend my time in the collective silence of my circle of widowed friends.

Where I struggle is to be completely still in silence.  I always have my iPad along with me to fill in the silence presented by being alone.  If not my iPad then my DVD player.  Noise!  I have come a long way from the early days when silence was filled only by my cries, by my tears.  I have found some comfortable time meditating and simply enjoying the sun penetrating our home.  Baby steps. 

I am working towards not fearing being still and to rejoice in silence.  I suspect when I am able to do so, Bill will finally, and truly join me then.