I'm often up before sunrise, sitting in the middle of my bed with my first cup of coffee, my computer and my thoughts. Some days these thoughts turn into a posted blog, and on other days they remain in my draft bin. Reconciling my documents the other day, I noticed that there are far more drafts than posts in my bins.
This morning is no different. Here I sit wondering why it has become harder to post. Could it be that I am feeling a little responsible for someone out there? Let's face it. When I started to blog, I was living in my own little world, thinking that there wasn't much out there for grieving widows. I wanted to share my lived experience so that others like me could breathe easier knowing that they are not alone in what they are feeling. Yes indeed dear Marla, there is another crazy person out there!
Pretty self-centred don't you think? Not long after starting my blog, I discovered a whole world of grieving bloggers, some of which have become very dear to me. On the self-centred part, I cut myself some slack because grieving does offer you the perception that your world is so small. For some time now, I have opened up my world to include others again.
I wonder if therein lies my predicament. The focus of my blog has always been about stating it as it is; being open and honest with not only others, but more importantly with myself. Somewhere along the way, I have become very aware that I am no longer a "newbie" (okay you vintage widows ... I am still a baby to you) and if I am always doomin' and gloomin' I may worry the "newbies" about what's in store for them. Face it, we vintage widows have all been there ... done those days, when your mirror is plastered with post-its reminding you of the morning's routine ... #1. Hair ... #2. Brush Teeth ... #3. Deodorant ... We lived in fear that we would be living this forever! (*Dang* I wish I had not gotten rid of all my post-its! There are still some days when I know I forgot something.)
The flip side to this of course, is if there is too much sunshine in your words, people assume that you are "moving on" or when humour in your words is an indication that you are stepping out of grief ... and really, the hurt is still very much a big part of your day.
There is also a little thing called "life" to factor into this equation! My career has been in full swing this year ... that means many late nights and early mornings and quite a bit of writing. So, there is less time to write for the pure pleasure of writing and sharing. While I have joined the world of the living, I am also rediscovering my life.
I don't apologize for the uncharacteristic rambling of this blog ... for I am returning to my focus ... to share the lived experience of widowhood ... from my perspective. And this morning, it is a little disconnected - tomorrow who knows? I may share the story of a crazy widow on snowshoes!
I think that in this no do rambling post you has spoken for a lot of your blogger colleagues. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteLOL ... guess it wasn't as rambling as I thought!
DeleteIf you look at the posting stats of my blog, you'll see the same thing: I went from 218 posts in 2006 (I started blogging about 18 months after my husband died), to 111 posts in 2009, to only 57 posts in 2011.
ReplyDeleteI think it has to do more with where you are than with where you think your readers are. The first year of blogging there was so much that I wanted to say. But after a while, even though there was still a lot of grief going on, the acuity of the emotion was duller -- and therefore less interesting to write about.
Also, life does move on: My blog came to be more about my whole family experience rather than about my grief experience. Make no mistake: Grief can still grab center stage, but the posts that focus on grief are fewer and farther between. And that's okay.
Post the raw stuff when you need to: It's good for the newbies to read that those further out can still struggle. "If she still has slumps at 18 months, it's okay for me to feel crappy at 6 months." And we vintage widows (the preferred term! LOL) just may stop in to assure you that everything will be okay.
Thank you Alicia for this perspective. There is indeed a part of me that suspected that this would come, the slowing down on sharing grief and more interested in the writing about our life in general. In that alone there is hope.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I do prefer Vintage to Oldies ... I have updated the contents of my post. Thank you!