Unanswered questions ...

A couple of years ago, I invested in a good camera and have taken many pictures since my purchase.  Many, thank goodness, are of Bill.  I chuckle as I write this because I also remember Bill's complaints of always having my camera at my side and snapping his picture every chance I got.  I loved taking his picture when he was not looking and many are of his profile.  These were the first pictures I could linger with.  During the first few months, I could not look at any pictures because when I saw his face, it was like looking at a stranger.  What an odd and empty feeling.  A feeling I still have when I look at some pictures of us.  All smiles with not a care in the world, enjoying being close, enjoying the simple pleasure of being in each other's arms or looking into each other's eyes.

In a need to reconnect, I started by looking at his profile pictures; the ones I took at random when he was not looking.  For some reason, they felt more real, more in tune with my heart.  His eyes weren't looking back at me through the photograph saying remember me, remember us, we once were.

There are two pictures in particular that I seem to focus on now.  These two were taken the Saturday evening before his death.  I seem to want to find something there, something that I might have missed.  I seem to want to find the answer to my question ... did he know he was not feeling quite right, or was his death really so sudden - unexpected?  I seem to have locked into the one picture in particular of him walking away from us.  I was busy framing pictures of my sons on the bench when I noticed Bill was walking off on his own and locked into him ... I remember so well feeling a lump in my throat as I watch through my view finder setting up the shot.  Did I miss something? 

The other is of Bill and our two sons on the bench.  I look into my boys' eyes and see pure happiness and content with life.  I look into their eyes today and see the shadows of their loss.  I wonder what they see in mine.  There have been a couple of pictures of me since Bill's death and although I can offer a pretty good toothy smile, the smile does not reach my eyes.  I wonder when and not if, when the shadow of our loss will no longer be captured in our photographs.  After all, these pictures will one day tell our story to our grandchildren and they need to see that although there were sad moments that left a shadow in our eyes, there is healing and life can be renewed.