Eleven months today, life was normal with Bill heading off to work and I was listening to him rustling through the room trying to be quiet and me pretending to be sleeping knowing and trusting that I would see him at lunch.
Everything changed ...
my world changed ...
how the everyday thoughtless routines of 26 years now seem overwhelming and lifeless,
how the silence isn't so quiet nor comfortable anymore,
how the drive home after work is no longer just a drive but a small victory.
All the while, I begin to wonder maybe it isn't the world that has changed, maybe it is just me.
People still ask, "How are you doing?" in reference to the fact that I will soon be coming up to the one year anniversary. I'm not sure if I can explain because I am having a hard time explaining it to myself.
I go through the routines, getting up and ready for work, sometimes mixing it up and picking up a Tim Horton's extra large decaf, three creams one sweetener. I work through my day and pick up milk and bread on the way home. Every other day, I get to have some fun playing ball hockey, loving the thrill of the chase and making some great steals playing defence. I smile as I smell victory! I smile like a really big toothy grin smile. I work my niece's video montage thinking with a smile of how thrilled they will be to watch this for the first time at their wedding.
So here goes, the unexplained ... while I am functioning and even sometimes enjoying myself, there is no real joy in my heart, the smile does not reach my eyes. I don't feel contentment, the kind that comes with sharing a life with a husband that I loved and knew loved me. I am even robbed of the tears that gave reason to the melancholy.
I am successful most times at staying in the moment and even to start planning for tomorrow trying new things to help me sift through my feelings. I work, I play and I see to the business of the living. These are all positive things but none of it seems to bring real joy back to my heart. Not even in the happiest of moments. How can I smile a large toothy grin and not feel it in my heart?
As I write this blog, I am reminded of a time when I was a little girl standing in my back yard. Two rows of houses were separated by a laneway - my early playground - and as I stood on my side of the laneway in full bright sun, I watched the rain falling on the other side. How can there be rain when the sun shines?
PS ... tomorrow marks 11 months without Bill and it is also the 27th of June ... 27 years ago, we met.
How can there be rain when the sun shines?
ReplyDeleteLike you, Ginette, I think it will be a long time before I feel real, genuine joy in my heart. It's that thing again about having to be two people. I'll think about you all day tomorrow on the 27th.