How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wonder'd off by myself,
In the mystical moist night air, and from time to time,
Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.
~ Walt Whitman
Through example, Bill taught me to find peace in the simple things. How many times did I watch him stand under our crab apple tree, face looking up into the blossoms, drinking in its scent while the world around us seemed so busy. He would stand there quietly appreciating the simplicity of the moment.
Coming home the other day, I looked up at the tree. It is in full bloom, the most I have ever seen. The bees were feasting on the nectar and I was drawn to standing under this beautiful canopy. Lifting my face to the sun breaking through the branches, I drank its fragrance, wrapped myself in its beauty. In that moment of peace, I was both taken by the beauty and saddened by the feeling of being incomplete. How many times did Bill invite me to share in this world? How many times did he take my hand to stand under this wondrous canopy?
I am restless these days. It seems like nothing holds my attention for very long, nothing seems worth doing for very long. Life seems flat, without sparkle, without meaning.
While standing in this very intimate moment under the canopy I was reminded of the world's beauty, of life's perfect order. This tree we planted so many years ago, branches made strong by our pruning, the abundance of blossoms made sweeter by the bees and the fruit it produces for the birds in the fall. I see it now Bill.
We have planted something beautiful together, our family. One of our branches now gone our family will need to heal and be made stronger. Our grandchildren will be made sweeter by your influence through our sons and with what we must now experience without you physically being here. Although it is not for us to question why so soon, I trust that there is a perfect balance in how this all unfolds.
Although I am very lonely without you and full of grief, l must trust that I have a place, and a purpose in this life without you.
Ginette, Once again you have captured the essence of what it feels like to miss someone who was at the center of our life. The metaphor of the apple tree is perfect, especially the part about how necessary it is to prune and nurture it if one is to someday enjoy the sensory beauty of it in full bloom. Thank you.
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