Memories ... a bittersweet joy!

Last Sunday, I wrote in an eMail to a dear sweet friend who knows this pain ...

I am so restless.  I hate this in-between feeling.  These last few days, I see Bill everywhere!  I see him standing under our crab apple tree, I see him sitting in the living room, I see him walking up the driveway, I see him everywhere.  He is no longer simply there in essence, I see him in every memory.  These are so real, almost tangible.  I just want to crawl into his embrace, to hear his heart, to feel his breath playing in my hair.  How can I do this without him?  I miss our intimate moments, I miss seeing the twinkle in his eye when he looked at me, I miss coming into our bedroom to find him busy at the computer, I miss waking up during the night and breathing in his presence and feeling safe.  This is so confusing.  I wanted to see him again in the memories of him, and now that I do, I miss him even more than I thought possible.  My heart is breaking all over again!

I came across this yesterday - by John Hall Wheelock ...

Lying awake at dawn, I remember them,

With a love that is almost joy I remember them.

Lost, and all mine, all mine, forever.

This is indeed a bittersweet joy.  My six great losses forever in my heart, forever part of who I am today.

It would seem that to be all that I can be, will require some courage on my part.  Courage to embrace these memories and to feel peace in knowing that they will always be mine.  Courage to know that one day they will be a source of comfort and not pain.  Courage to trust that they will not always be constant to my consciousness and that one day, they will come to me when I summon them being a source of inspiration, a source of regeneration and a source of strength.