Sorry lady, but your Widow Card has been declined. That can't be! I am barely over the first year mark. How can I have used up my quota of sympathy and understanding? I am still new at this.
Double checking my account ...
Denial - in the red; used up my credits, and some, in the first six months. Noticed that I borrowed against it lately in honour of my self-pity party held on the one year anniversary.
Anger - still credits left here. There are still moments when I am so angry that he did not do something to prevent this. "Dang it guy, why did you have to go so soon ... why did you leave me with a mess to clean up ... why are you not here for me to hold?" Hmmm ... me thinks I will need to keep some credits in here. Thank goodness my list of forgiving is not long!
First payment ~ "I forgive you Bill for being such a hoarder, I've cleaned most of it. Do you like what I've done? I'm not sorry I threw out all of your "girlie" magazines!"
Bargaining - lots of credit left here. Never was good at bargaining a deal. Will need to keep some credits here to pay the sandman when I go to sleep requesting a guest appearance by you know who. No refund available if he decides not to show up!
Depression - in the red. Society's bankers have a different timetable, a different tolerance; interest is beginning to accrue.
Acceptance - used pennies compared to the large balance placed for this. Need to keep a healthy account for the finishing touches. Although I accept that Bill is dead, and that he will never be coming back, I still desperately long to come home one day and find him there and still yearn to "see" him one more time. Hmmm ... wondering if I am borrowing against denial without realizing it.
According to my records, there is still lots of credit due.
How is it that grief can be measured by others so well, while I, the griever, seem to be moving back and forth through the stages? This is such a personal process and just as there are no two identical snowflakes, no two people grieve in the exact same way.
Taking stock of where I am today, I have become more aware of the years ahead than the years behind. I have also written many times that I don't know who I am now that he is gone; but really I do, I am me! Just a little older, a little wiser and so much richer for accepting that Bill may be gone physically but he continues to be with me.
Now if I could just convince Society's Bankers on my need for an extension on my Widow Card, my grieving would be made easier.
First year is over, smile everyone! *groan*
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