Merry Widow ...

Trying on a new suit today, my own 12 step program of sorts, one day at a time and all that.  Over the last few weeks, I have given myself permission to slacken the laces of my Widow outfit, enough where I don't always have to remind myself to breathe. (see post The Scarlet W)  This new suit is called the Merry Widow. *chuckling*  Bill loves this outfit!  *wink*

I have always claimed that I am a "silver-lining" or "glass half full" kind of gal; that is in my mind, at least.  My reflection in the mirror and my actions do not jive with this perception of myself lately.  First of all, I would not dare insult anyone's eyes by displaying myself in a Merry Widow, no matter how much my mind is thrilled with the physical transformation of late *caught sight of the true me in the full length mirror - groan*  Secondly, I have subconsciously withdrawn myself from my biggest fans, my biggest supports, thus creating a vortex of loneliness.

And this, I think, may be a problem as I try to move forward in this new life of mine.  As I stared at this person in the mirror, I caught sight of not only the physical me but also of the Poor Widow me.  For years, I also had another mirror; let's call it the Bill mirror.  So much of me was in relation to his twitching moustache and sometimes to his clenching jaw!  I either felt sexy or felt his disappointment in my actions.  In this same mirror, I always felt loved.

These past weeks of being on an extended leave from work have offered me plenty of time to not only look after my physical well being, but also time for some good old fashioned soul searching. 

Although I have given myself permission to glimpse into the Bill mirror from time to time, you know the "What do you think of this Bill ... or man you must be smiling at this outfit ... " kind of thinking, I am now looking into a different mirror.  This mirror has me asking, "What do you think of this Ginette ... or, I look great in this outfit ..." kind of thinking.  I like going back to the Bill mirror where I feel loved.

Last night's journal of blessing entry reads, "I am blessed with a creative mind.  So creative in fact, that I need to do a reality check to ensure my perception of how I am doing and what I am actually doing jive."