The Scarlet "W" ...

Wikipedia Definition: Widow n - A woman whose spouse has died and has not remarried.

Thinking back at a couple of months after Bill died, I happen to overhear someone refer to me as Bill's widow.  I think that was the first time I really started to think that even in death, Bill and I were connected.  I also thought of it as having all of sudden developed a bad case of the plague.  Funny how the title repels some and attracts others.  It was my first time being referred to as a "Widow".  More recently, I was in a meeting where we were asked to introduce ourselves and give a little background.  As I listened to the numerous, "Married with 2 kids and 1 grandchild, blah blah blah ... and a dog named Boo",  I started wondering,  what I was going to say?  My turn came up too quickly and I simply reacted ... "Hi, my name is Ginette, married with three children, blah blah blah .... with a dog named Sadie".  It was interesting to note the reaction of those who knew that I was widowed!  As for the others, some quickly looked at the bare ring finger and quickly lowered their gaze when I met theirs.  After all, in my heart I am still married.

This had me go back to my journal and to read an entry I had on "Widowhood".  It goes something like this ...

These last few months feel like I have been trying on this new suit.  It doesn't seem to fit nor is it something I would have taken off the rack to try on.  It feels like I am being forced to wear this loud garish garment that screams "Widow" ...  This suit is too tight, I can't breathe.  The fabric does not stretch and I can't remove it.  All sales are final - and the fine print says "once you put this on, you can't get out, you just have to find a way to fit into it."

I guess this is what is meant by finding a "new normal", where the corset laces can one day feel okay, that despite the grip around my diaphragm, I will find a way to breathe and that despite the garish fabric I will find a way to accessorise.

I am a woman whose spouse has died and I am definitely a woman who has not remarried.  This does not define me.  I am a woman who one day will be okay.