Back to the business of grieving Bill ...

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. ~ Matthew 5:4

This morning, I bid my sister-in-law a safe trip home and as the door closed, I was left alone with my thoughts.  Many emotions came flooding back this past week; one in particular, anger.  Although very much at peace with the fact that my mother-in-law was now with God, her husband, her son and her parents, I couldn't help but feel the empty seat beside me.  As I sat with my extended family, I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder expecting to see Bill.  The silence was yet again deafening.  I missed the gentle sound of his beautiful voice and his laughter.  I could not shake the feeling that he should have been here to share with his brother and sisters - and with his sons and I.  Dare I say that I was even angry with Bill?  Of course I can!  I've never been more angry with the man in the whole of our 27 years together as in these last seven months apart! 

So this morning, as I was finally still with my emotions and with my grief, I reconnected with my desire to overcome, to survive, to cope and find a way out of this darkness.  As the door closed, I felt my grief tapping me on my shoulder, sulking, demanding that I pay attention as if to say, "I have been patient and gentle with you, but we need to get back to walking together."   

For now, I am being gentle with myself.  I recognize that I am tired, I remind myself to breathe and maybe a little later I will allow myself to let my mind wander and to listen to my thoughts to "get back on track" once more.

I will continue to mourn, trusting that with each dawn I will be blessed with new hope and a smile with the return of each new memory of the past and dare to dream of the making new ones.