Mirror, Mirror ....

Life only demands from you the strength you possess.  Only one feat is possible - not to have run away. ~ Dag Hammarskjold

In an earlier blog, I spoke of my overachieving personality and how I was questioning why I was no further along in my grieving.  Yesterday's journal entry spoke of this once again with a different twist.  I wrote, "I feel like I am here only by a sense of duty and that I act only out of a sense of being the model of calm acceptance and inner serenity.  I speak the words I think people want to hear rather than the words that scream out that I so very simply want to not be here."  This had me sifting through my thoughts; not so hard when you have a grieving  brain, it really is a sieve. 

So why do I feel such a sense of duty to make others feel okay around me?  Am I not by my actions cheating those closest to me, the opportunity to truly support me and by doing so help prepare them for when their time comes?  At the core of this, is my feeling of not wanting to become "The Widow".  You know the one everyone groans as they watch her come and has them running to draw the blinds or let go to voice mail. 

Right now, there is a friend's father looking at my dryer, checking out the toilet and will attempt boosting my car.  All this from a simple trusting phone call from my son.  I guess I will need to be more like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz and let go of my belief that my fear makes me inadequate and trust that I am courageous enough to be myself in my full grieving beauty!  I'm here!  After all, it is rather taxing this business of trying to fit some image of a "model griever."

I will let my grief flow freely through me.