Clarity ...

"What is essential does not die but clarifies." - Thornton Wilder

I will grieve you in the light.  Yesterday morning, I came downstairs and wondered who had left the light on (*groan* at the cost of electricity! Double *groan*)  But then it occurred to me - it is the sun breaking through!  How Bill loved it when the days started to get longer!  A smile came to my lips for I felt that familiar stir inside me; this is good!  Spring brought great happiness to my husband who suffered with SADS.    My mind quickly processed this and for a brief moment I started to think of another season starting without Bill.  Attitude change - another season starting, filled with warm sun, melting snow and the rebirth of my gardens.  (Fake it until you make it!)  As I sat in my garage with my journal and my cup of java the words came to me slowly. 

I wrote about missing the simple things like looking forward to Spring, about how I saw him in so many places in my mind; the tilt of his head, the movement of his hands on the steering wheel, his long legs coming down the stairs in the morning.  These memories come at random through the day and often times will cause a tear to fall or a whimper to escape as they are painful.  But this morning, the smile on my lips as I remembered how this was a "good thing", was refreshing.  I did not break down. 

I allowed myself to remember his leaning over the gardens with me and taking pride in the outcome of our hard work - and I did not break down.  These images of him mowing the lawn, handling the shovel and finally walking around the yard in the evening pleased with what we accomplished are becoming less painful to remember.  It is as if the more I allow myself the time to rewind them in my mind, the edges become softer and they become more beautiful, for I have had the pleasure to live them with Bill.  These memories are becoming clearer.

It is no secret that I have chosen to walk through this journey and to befriend my grief.  I trust in the promise that this journey will bring healing so that one day I will be okay.