As I receive inspiring comments to this blog, I often catch myself going back to the blog and re-reading my entries. I then look at my words with a fresh perspective and find the courage to say "Wow, I said that?" This has become very therapeutic for me when I am thinking that I can't go on.
There was one such occasion recently, when my grief had me travel through a very dark corridor and I re-read my blog on being an "overachiever". Again, having a great old time at hosting yet another self-pity party in the garage, I was revisiting, "Why am I still going through this primal grief?" Have I not made all the right choices? Have I not claimed having befriended my grief? Have I not allowed enough "time" for what I was feeling? Why then am I still here grieving like it was the first day? This obsessive question period had me always coming back to comparing the length of time Bill and I were together and the length of time we have now been apart. The scales are a little off, don't you think? This is quite the "ah ha" moment; one I'm sure I will be back to revisit one day until it is no longer only in my head but also in my heart.
It took a long time to find each other, more time before we were actually sure enough to say "I love you" and more time to have three sons, build a house and see each other through many happy times and many losses. Sometimes I think if I could do this faster, I will then feel better sooner. I am coming to the inevitable conclusion (as I did with my father's death ~ you'd think I would have learned my lesson) that there are no shortcuts to this journey. Somewhere along the way, there are very important messages and rites of passage and if you don't pay attention, you will find yourself lost. Bill always said I could not navigate myself out of a shoe box and that I should get a GPS!
For now, I return to my new friend "grief" and trust that it will navigate me to where I will one day be okay.
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