Who will listen ...

Widowhood is exhausting.  I spent the day yesterday, licking my wound and by late afternoon dragged myself to bed.  It doesn't help when things continue to break down around me and I am feeling a little overwhelmed with juggling what needs my attention first.  I knew this day would come - the one that says, "What are you going to do now?"

Under normal circumstances, I would have looked forward to sitting with Bill, for  a good long while, and talk.  We would sometimes talk into the wee hours of the morning; talk until we came to some understanding and agreement on how to move forward.  I so miss his clearness of spirit and mind, the sound of his beautiful voice, the feeling of sharing.

I have a great support system in wonderful people who care to listen and offer their point of view, but it is just not the same.  That person who is the other half of my sons and was for so long the other half of what we built together, is gone.  Certainly, this is the biggest event I have ever had to share with him, his dying!

On Friday, I had an excellent day!  I woke up knowing that I was dropping off the car for an oil change (and other possible costly repairs) but as it turns out, Bill in his infinite wisdom, had purchased an extended warranty - I'm good until September!  Checkmark on the "Happy" side.  Then at work, I began riffling through some overdue work and got all of this done; checkmark on the "Happy" side!  At the end of the work day, there was a beautiful dancing line of checkmarks under the "Happy" category.  It was great getting home - old habits - until I realized that it was Friday and Bill is not home.  There would be no bursting through the door to tell him all about the great day I had.

But being the "silver lining" kind of gal, I relished in the fact that I could sit with my knitting needles, watch my Dr. Quinn box set and enjoy the stillness of creating something beautiful. 

Did I mention that I had just enough energy left to put a load of towels in the washer only to find out that the dryer is indeed still not working?  *Groan, groan, groan and double groan!*  Guess I will have to pay the piper and get Fred the repair guy in after all!  The boys are getting low in socks and underwear.

As a little girl, I remember coming home and Mom would listen to me ramble about my day and how Madame So-and-So was the best teacher ever; later it was my girl friends as we gabbed and giggled about Mary-Sue and Johnny being caught under the bleachers and for the past 27 years it has been Bill.  Bill has heard about every moment of my days - who laughed with me over one story and became upset with me when I felt wronged and showed pride when I shared my successes.

Today, I can always tell you!