Wow, and I thought the whole world knew! I walked away from a conversation with an old acquaintance thinking, how can this be? I thought the whole world knew. We stood in the aisles talking about family, work and her retirement. It suddenly became clear that she had not heard "the news".
I had a couple of choices ... I could continue with the conversation or let her know that Bill died a year ago. I listened through more and then told her. Hugs, sorry, more hugs. Uncomfortable. Wow, I did not think that such an interlude could raise up all the emotions.
All night, I sifted through my emotions; searching through the depths of my heart, where things seemed okay and so obviously are not. I continue to sway between hope and fear, living with Bill and wishing that he was still here. I rummaged through the dishevelled parts of my life, summarizing the moments when I feel lifeless, not understanding why Bill is not with me and wishing he was here. Like the alcoholic who has not taken a drink for a very long time, I felt disappointed in myself for this backslide but oddly relished in the drunken feeling; feeling is not lifeless.
Needless to say, it has been a sleepless night.
I think we can expect things like this. It's not backsliding, it's life happening.
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