For infinity and beyond ...

My dearest Bill,

I sometimes wonder about just how much you see me, hear me and are now anxious to have me back at your side.  I imagine that for you, it will seem like but a moment, and for me a lifetime.

I remember having a conversation with my Mom after Dad died and I asked if she would ever consider marrying again.  She was adamant about never wanting to marry again, because she did not want to be confused with whom she would be spending eternity.  Is that so?  Funny in my young mind, how I thought this to be an odd statement for my belief was, and still is, that we are destined to live out eternity as a whole in God's presence and not as individuals clustered as we are here on earth.  I often come back to her words lately and I must admit, it gives me reason to pause and reflect.  I wish you and I could have a chat, and that you could offer a glimpse into your new world.

I also return to a conversation when you expressed your disappointment when I declared that I could never love another again, and I would certainly never marry again.  Do you remember saying, "I would hope that I have made you happy enough in married life, that you would want this again."   What a big heart!

I am moving along with life and I hope that you are proud of me ... as I am proud of myself.  I still hold to, if I would have been first to go, that I would come back to haunt you if I saw any indication that you are falling in love again.  Not so much of a big heart.  To be truthful, that thought occupies only a small place in my heart today.  I remember it only with a chuckle because when I said it, I wanted to threaten you to never leave me behind.  I know enough now, that I would never want you to feel this loneliness and that I love you enough to carry this one for both of us.  You owe me you old goat!  I expect a great big bear hug and ... maybe a foot rub?  Do we have feet in Heaven?  I sure hope so, because contrary to your thoughts, I happen to think my feet are my best assets.

I am becoming comfortable with being alone, I just don't know if I will ever become accustomed to being lonely ... I miss touching you and being touched by you ... I miss the sound of your cultured voice ... I miss the unexpected hugs and the gentle caress of your hand.  I miss the scent of you when my head was cradled in your warm soft neck.  I miss the feeling of my senses being touched ... skin, smell and sound.

So on the subject of whether there will be confusion when I get to Heaven, I don't think there will be much confusion.  For no matter what, no matter if / when someone else comes into my life, you will always hold my heart and I will always carry you closely every moment of my life here on earth.  To know me, will be to know you.

Until we meet again my dear friend.

Your loving wife ... for infinity and beyond!

Ginette