There is a reason that those who have grieved offer this little pearl of wisdom ... don't go too quickly! Your biggest decision in the early days should be whether or not to shower!
Who knew that placing that one shirt in the "give away" bag the day after his death would come to haunt me. I keep coming back to this one shirt Bill used to wear - blue and white stripes - he simply looked so yummy in that shirt. Today, I wish I had that shirt to slip into when I need a hug! I did keep a few choice pieces of clothing (like his oversized sweat pants that still has the Kleenex he put in the pockets) that I wear when I want him near but this one shirt - don't know what it is about it - I just wish I had it.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could capture the essence of a time in a bottle and uncap it when we need to release some of that essence? The smells, the mood, the feeling of being safe ... all this in a bottle ready to scatter around you when you are starting to feel that these memories are fading. You remember the broad strokes but there is something unfocused and incomplete to the picture. The edges have started to fade and you really want to see and feel it all, to step into the complete picture.
Interestingly enough, in the weeks that followed Bill's death I got really busy (~okay manic~) about removing the clutter - "three cube vans to the dump" manic - and today, I can't bear to part with a small sticky note with inconsequential scribbles in his writing. I thought I might start a scrapbook of all of these little scraps of paper ~ little over the top? I also struggle with the replacements of consumables - the first time I had to purchase laundry soap, toothpaste, spices, etc... I still see him standing in front of the isle making a careful selection of the right soap, the right toothpaste and teasing me when I would have just grabbed the obvious wrong thing! Every time I have to replace something, I can't help but feel that I am also letting go, being forced to say goodbye over and over again. How many times will this be necessary? There are days when I just wish all of this could be ripped off quickly like you do with a Band-Aid and be done - but I guess it was exactly this that has me now wishing I had that crisp blue and white striped shirt!
No comments:
Post a Comment